Relationship – Love languages

We all have a different way of expressing and experiencing love. Learning your partner’s love language will help you connect better emotionally.

Have you ever wished that your partner could understand what makes you feel loved? As humans, we naturally express love and care towards others in the way that makes us feel loved. In a romantic relationship, this is not always effective, as it may not be how the other person wants to be loved.

For example, nothing makes you feel loved more than hugs and kisses, or even a gentle touch. So that’s what you give to your partner, but you may end up wondering why your efforts are not appreciated. It may surprise you to find that, for him, hearing “I love you” or “Thank you for doing the dishes” will really rock his boat and earn you those smiles.

Does this sound confusing? What it simply means is we all express and feel love differently or speak a different “love language”. This emotional love connects you as a couple, it reinforces the feeling of being close to each other, your trust, appreciation and worth. When this emotional love is not expressed in the way we desire, it often leads to frustration and conflict in our relationships.

The idea of “love languages” was coined by Dr Gary Chapman, an author and relationship counsellor. His best-selling book The Five Love Languages explains that there are five common ways that people communicate and understand emotional love in a relationship and with each other. Most people have a primary and secondary love language. It becomes very important to understand and speak the love language of your partner to keep your love tank filled to the brim. So, what exactly are these five languages Dr Chapman speaks of ?

1. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

Words of affirmation shows the power of words and the impact they can have on an individual. When we use positive, encouraging and uplifting words, it speaks to the heart and makes someone feel valued and special, says Shaldon Fitzgerald, a Cape Townbased hypnotherapist. He explains how actions don’t always speak louder than words. “I once counselled a couple who’d been married for 34 years. The wife’s primary love language was words of affirmation. She burst into tears during one session, saying to her husband, ‘You never say you love me.’ He had a look of absolute shock on his face and said, ‘But I make you tea every morning.’ For him, by bringing her tea in bed every morning, he was telling her he loved her. She never ‘heard’ it because her expression of love came in words or touch,” Fitzgerald adds.

If this is your love language, spontaneous compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you” or “You did well” or “I’m proud of you” is important. Hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward while insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

2. RECEIVING GIFTS

Phumla Zondo, 32, shares: “I’ve been giving my husband gifts as a way of expressing my love for him. I put a lot of thought into those gifts, and I love surprising him. But he’d receive the gift and just say, ‘Oh cool, thanks,’ and then put it aside. That hurt a lot because that wasn’t the reaction I wanted. One day he explained to me that he appreciates the effort but he prefers spending time with me, rather than getting gifts.” Don’t mistake this love language for materialism, Dr Chapman cautions in his book. The receiver of gifts (small, large and even inexpensive) thrives on the thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. It shows you are known, cared for, and prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous for someone with this love language.

3. QUALITY TIME

Quality time is all about giving the other person your undivided attention. To this person, words don’t mean anything but being with your partner, does. Being a loved one’s main focus leaves them feeling satisfied and comforted. Zolile Xulu, 37, says her primary love language is quality time but her husband has no clue. He showers her with gifts instead of spending time with her. “Whenever I plan something for us to do together he comes up with excuses. Or he’d be there physically but his mind would be somewhere else. I once planned a weekend away. He agreed but I was lonely the entire weekend, as he spent time on either his phone or laptop. On our way back he saw I wasn’t okay and he bought a bunch of flowers to make up for it. To him love is all about gifts,” she complains.

Dr Chapman says nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical. This means the TV is off, and all chores and tasks are on standby to make your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be very hurtful.

Paula Quinsee, a Joburg-based relationship expert, defines quality time as giving the gift of your presence to your partner, doing things together, sharing experiences, creating moments and memories (for example, going on a hike together).

4. ACTS OF SERVICE

Actions, rather than words, are used to show and receive love to someone. Thuli Ngobese, 28, says she feels truly cared for when her boyfriend lends a helping hand. “When my boyfriend takes my car to the garage to be serviced and ensures the tyres are pumped and in good condition, I can’t help but feel cared for and loved; it shows that he cares about my safety. When I hear him say ‘Let me do that for you’ I just melt,” she says.

Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities means a lot to this person. In Dr Chapman’s words, “For these people, actions speak louder than words. People who speak the language of service want their partner to recognise their life is rough and help them out in any way possible. People who thrive on this language don’t deal well with broken promises – or perceived laziness – and have very little tolerance for people who make more work for them. Basically, if you’re not willing to show your appreciation by doing them a favour, you’re saying you don’t value them.”

5. PHYSICAL TOUCH

Some people think physical touch is all about sex, but it’s not. Holding hands, hugging and cuddling are also a way of communicating emotional love. Jessica Mthembu, 35, says her husband’s primary love language is physical touch. “At first I believed that rather than making more of an effort, he needed to stop needing it so much. When he told me he felt I recognised his language but wasn’t acting on it, I made a decision to give him that physical affection and our bond is stronger than ever. For connection to really happen, I knew I had to do more,” she says.

Physical touch is not about sex but how you interact with each other in affectionate ways and the way you talk to each other (e.g. hugs and cuddling together on the couch), Quinsee says. Dr Chapman describes in his book that in this love language nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they all show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Knowing what your love languages are builds your relationship and helps you to connect on a deeper level. Couples form a stronger bond and are able to navigate challenges together. If you aren’t sure what your or your partner’s love languages are, visit Dr Gary Chapman’s website (www.5lovelanguages.com/garychapman) to take a quick quiz and find out.■