Parenting – How to have ‘the talk’

Don’t wait until it’s too late – here’s an expert guide on how to talk to your kids about sex.

It’s no secret that having “The Talk” has always been a touchy subject for black parents. Sex is so taboo that witnessing a kissing scene during Generations or My Perfect Wedding means changing the channel or awkwardly shutting your eyes. As a result, the sex talk is always left to the teachers, or even worse, a child finds out about sex through their peers, who often share incorrect information. We asked several experts how to navigate this potential minefield.

THERE’S NO RIGHT AGE

There’s no appropriate age to talk about sex, so stop saying the perfect age is 13 or when a girl gets her first period. Keep in mind that the Children’s Act allows children from the age of 12 to access contraceptives and girls to have abortions regardless of their age. So, age 13 or puberty should not be a yardstick. Faiza Khota, head of department at Childline Gauteng, explains why: “Young children are very curious about bodies. It’s important for adults to be honest with them in an age-appropriate way. The discussion about sex starts when children become aware of their own bodies and that of others. One of the earliest questions parents are faced with is, ‘Where do babies come from?’ Some suggestions for responding to this could be a seed from Daddy and an egg from Mommy come together and grew in Mommy’s womb.”

It’s important to talk about sex early on, as children often talk and might hear information from their friends at school, says Nikki Bush, a parenting expert.

“Sex is a three-letter word and any child who can read and write can write or even Google it easily. Kids will hear things on the playground so it’s better that it comes from you, because honestly, this is a very sexualised generation. Sex is all over – music videos, social media, you name it. You can start from the age of two-and-a-half years. When you see birds or dogs jumping on top of each other, you can say , ‘Look, the Mommy bird and Daddy bird are making a baby.’ It doesn’t have to be all the facts and details at that age but you can make them aware of it,” Bush says.

TEACHING MOMENTS

Take the opportunity to see and hear your child and follow their lead on sex and sexuality. It doesn’t even have to be a serious sit-down, but casual, general conversations. “Find teaching moments throughout the day. When you’re watching TV and you see animals mating on National Geographic or when you’re expecting another baby, take advantage by explaining how babies are made. The first thing kids will ask is, ‘How did they get in your tummy?’ Children will always lead you to those conversations about sex and sexuality. Just be open and aware of them.” Nonkululeko, a mother of a four-year-old, is hoping to tell her daughter when she gets her period. “I think it would be easier to explain when she’s 11, because that was around the same age I got mine. I feel she’ll be old enough to reason,” she says. If you have a teenager or tween, their changing bodies can be a great opening topic, if you haven’t had the talk yet, Khota advises. “Talking to your child about puberty is a great opportunity to explain that all the physical stuff that’s happening to them – acne, wet dreams, budding breasts, menstruation and body hair – is

perfectly normal. Assure them their friends will go through it too, but maybe not at the same pace,” Khota adds.

Give enough information for their relevant age. “Sometimes parents are fearful about saying too much, too soon, although there’s no evidence this should be a concern. Or you might feel you don’t know enough to be a reliable source of accurate information. So don’t panic if you’re not sure of the answer. Be honest and try to do research with your child to get the correct answer. Curiosity about sex is a natural step from learning about the body,” says Marcia Matau, a wellness clinician at Life Careways.

BE OPEN

“Parents should be a child’s first source of information about sex. Understanding correct information can protect children from risky behaviour as they grow up,” Matau says. Communication, and how you handle the sex talk, will then be the foundation on how comfortable they feel about approaching you with other serious conversations.

If open communication is normal, kids are more likely to speak with parents about all the other trials of adolescence, such as depression, relationships, and the abuse of drugs and alcohol, as well as sexual issues. When parents talk with their children about sex, even though it’s a challenge, they can make sure they’re getting the right information. Remember that you can’t harm your children by talking openly and honestly about sex and sexuality.

Amanda, mom to an 8-year-old, had “The Talk” with her daughter because she found her diary. “I recently had the talk with my daughter because she’s starting to grow breasts and I found her diary. She wrote, ‘When I’m alone I like to do sex,’ so I figured she heard about it and didn’t know what it is. The conversation was awkward and I now understand why our parents avoided it with us. My daughter asked me what sex was and how is it. I was very honest with her because I want us to have more talks,” she says.

When teens feel uncomfortable coming to their parents or guardians regarding difficult issues, such as sex, they often turn to their friends or the media in order to gain information. So try to be the source of correct information.

VALUES AND RESPONSIBILITY

Bush highlights that kids might be taught at school but the value system starts at home. “Life Orientation at school takes care of the facts but the parents’ role is to let their kids know the facts against a value system. You’re the one who teaches your child about values, whether it be on sexuality, how to respect their bodies, or that sex is for adults, consent and boundaries, or sex before marriage. All of that can’t be taught by the teacher because we all have different views on those things, depending on where we come from. Also, we have to sell them on the fact that sex in a loving relationship is wonderful and it should feel good, so they don’t harbour negative connotations to it,” Bush adds.

Once you’ve had the talk, you have to trust you have given them the tools and they can be responsible enough when it comes to sex. Khota explains, “Parents need to accept the fact that their teen is the one who’s going to be making the big decisions as far as his or her own sexuality is concerned. As a parent, you can no longer control and dictate their actions, as much as you might want to. All that parents can do, is give the info so they can make sound decisions and help them take responsibility for their actions."