Sex – When you want it more

If you have a higher sex drive than your man, it could lead to a cold war in the bedroom. Find out how to raise the matter tactfully so you’re both satisfied.

Let’s talk about sex. But more to the point, let’s talk about how taboo it is for women who own their sexuality to hunger for regular sex. Men are usually applauded for thinking and acting on it all the time, but we frown upon women who have a high sex drive. Well, things are changing, and we are here to tell you that you’re not a freak for wanting to make love with your man all the time. When a couple has mismatched sex drives, it can cause tension and sexual frustration. Relationship expert Paula Quinsee says, “When it comes to doing the ‘deed’, sometimes our partners are just not in the mood and that’s okay. We all have ‘off’ days. Other times there may be contributing factors such as stress at work, a bumpy patch, or your libidos are not totally aligned.”

For 27-year-old Nomvula Kubheka, learning not to take her man’s low sex drive personally was a challenge. “My boyfriend has a lower sex drive than I do. When I try to raise the issue, things become tense. He says he feels foolish,

and I’m needy and annoying.” Nomvula’s circumstances are not unusual; there are many more like her in the country, and indeed all the over the world. According to a study conducted by a leading female sexuality expert, Dr Meredith Chivers of Queen’s University in Canada, women are naturally as desiring of sex as men and more easily bored by monogamy. The fact that many women find themselves in this scenario doesn’t make it any easier. But experts say even if that’s the case, it doesn’t mean you need to sit back and wait for a miraculous change. You’re responsible for changing how you handle this issue.

TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT

If you want sex, ask for it. If you’re unsatisfied in a relationship, communication is crucial. Most women don’t ask because they’re afraid of rejection or making him feel worthless. So how do you go about raising this issue with your partner in a manner that won’t cause conflict? According to relationship therapist Louis Venter, “the secret is to understand each other’s sexual stories and to learn how to talk to each other about sex in vulnerability and kindness; to ask for more sex in a way that steers away from blame and shame and contribute to feelings of intimacy and connection.”

Venter adds that it’s equally important to give a clear definition of the “more sex”. “In my experience, it is always more than ‘more’. When they say ‘more’, women often mean, ‘I want you to initiate sex’, ‘I want us to be more playful’, ‘I want us to have sexual conversations’, ‘I want us to have sex three times a week’ and ‘I want you to desire me.’ The clearer you are, the less room there is for misinterpretation.”

Talking about sex and asking for more is one of the most difficult conversations to have because it’s personal and uncomfortable. When done carelessly, it can bring about feelings of shame. Experts agree that if Nomvula is still committed to her relationship, then she should dig deeper – there may be a serious reason why her boyfriend is avoiding sex.

CREATE THE DESIRE

Generally, it is men who initiate sex. When your man’s not making any moves, there could be several factors leading to that, such as stress. To help him relax, maybe give him a back rub. We all know that stress is the biggest challenge when it comes to arousal for men. While he’s at work, send him a seductive picture of yourself or a flirty text. That way, he’ll be thinking about you all day; he’ll look forward to meeting you at home.

Nozipho Zwane, 28, says she and her man are facing huge pressure at their jobs, but he struggles to deal with it. “We both work 10-hour shifts. At the end of each day, we’re exhausted. I like to set everything aside to make time for intimacy, but he won’t meet me halfway. When I ask for sex, he says he’s too tired and not in the mood. We’re a young couple, we should have a decent sex life. I’m very frustrated, actually. I don’t understand how can we go six days without having sex.” Quinsee recommends reminding your man about all the great times you had together. “Use things such as flirty texts, suggestive comments, reminding him of a time before when you had hot sex together, dress or undress seductively in front of him. If he’s under a lot of stress, get active together to reduce the stress so you can have some fun together. Nothing beats getting all hot and sweaty together and then bringing it indoors for a shower where you can soap each other off,” she says.

Sometimes, we forget how a simple compliment can go a long way. Tell your partner how much you appreciate and value them – this can go a very long way in getting you closer to each other. “Stress is a big libido killer and often we’ll find unhealthy coping mechanisms such as alcohol, overeating junk food, using anti-depressants and not getting enough sleep. These can all affect libido,” says Quinsee. “If this is what your man’s going through, he could be facing serious medical conditions such as erectile dysfunction, which can be a biggie for a man. There is also low testosterone due to ageing, fatigue or a myriad of other things. This is where you both need to be mature about the situation and talk about things so you can find the root cause.”

“If you feel you can’t do this together, then consult with a health professional who can help you both work through things while still maintaining love and respect for each other. Support each other through the process – don’t get caught up in the blame game or let things spiral to break-up or divorce,” Quinsee adds.

EXPLORE NEW STUFF

Spicing things up in the bedroom might be something your sex life needs to bring that groove back. So it’s time to get out of your comfort zone and get creative. Try something new: introduce sex toys, watch porn together and prolong your foreplay.

Joy Mntambo, 33, says this is how she satisfied her sexual hunger. “I was lucky if we had sex twice a month, and it’s not like he had a problem getting it up. I decided to take matters into my own hands and downloaded a few porn videos we could watch together. My man was apprehensive at first, but he eventually got around and watched it with me.” Joy says that was the day their sex life changed for the better – even he was looking forward to trying new stuff. “He’s always willing to try new sex positions now. I know a lot of women don’t like to talk about it but, when introduced carefully, porn can boost your sex life.”

If you go the sex-toy route, make sure you are both comfortable with what you intend to do with them.

Another idea is to change foreplay. Try this: when you’re back from work, wrap your hands around him and lead him to the bedroom. Taking your time, caress each other and indulge in a bit of oral sex. Quinsee says, “Don’t be afraid to initiate sex. Oftentimes, we wait for him to make the first move. Some men actually get turned on by you taking the lead and that might just be the thing he needs. Never underestimate the power of an unexpected touch – like casually grazing his arm, the back of his neck, all those hot spots that you know will make him shiver.” Take charge.