Sex – Before you jump into bed with him

Take ownership of your sexual and emotional health by raising these sticky subjects. Let’s help you ask the right questions

Although there’s no rule about how soon you can get intimate with your new boo, there is often a stigma attached to women who do so quickly. Oh well — your life, your rules! But we advise that you don’t gamble with your health and emotions, especially when you’re ready to jump into bed with your new beau. We’ve unpacked a few topics we suggest you cover before getting it on.

KNOW HIS SEXUAL HISTORY

You don’t have to know the exact body count but you should at least have a rough idea of his dating history. For instance, you want to know if he’s the kind of guy who sleeps with every second woman he meets. Of course he won’t willingly admit to anything that might affect his chances with you, but it’s worth asking anyway. Bringing up some of these questions won’t be easy but there are less direct and inoffensive ways of doing it.

The subject of sexual history is a very important one, especially if you want to start things off on the right foot, says Paula Quinsee, a Joburg-based relationship coach. Discussing where the relationship is going is another important subject to never shy away from. “You can start by sharing your own history, and making it comfortable for your partner to share his and talk openly about sex. Observe his response to how you open up as that will give you some indication of what he could be thinking,” she advises.

LET’S TALK TESTING

Some people still choose to tempt fate by having unprotected sex, perhaps believing the ‘it won’t happen to me’ fairytale. Then they act surprised when they fall pregnant or contract HIV or STIs. These subjects are discussed more in the media than in most bedrooms, so much so that at least 500 000 out of

2,6 million young adults aged between 20 and 29 were treated for STIs in 2016, according to the Gauteng Health Department. Bottom line: you simply can’t leave your safety in the hands of another person. Getting tested should be one of the first things you do before having sex with a new partner. Often, people get tested for HIV and ignore STIs, when the latter is just as significant.

Dr Elna Rudolph, a sexologist with My Sexual Health in Joburg, recommends asking your partner if he’s been tested for HIV and STIs in the last six months. “No matter how taken you are, don’t just take his word for it. He must show you a piece of paper that proves he really did get tested,” she says. Even though you’ve both tested negative, it’s always wise to practice safe sex. “If you’re not a million percent sure he’s going to be faithful, don’t stop using condoms. About three million people in SA got HIV from their own husbands or wives. Condoms are a nonnegotiable factor, especially in new relationships,” she stresses.

EXTRA PARTNERS

Jabulile Ndaba*, 32, slept with a guy a week after they’d started dating, and three weeks later found out he was married. “If only I’d waited a little bit longer, I probably would have discovered he had a wife before giving myself away to him. Now I’m five months pregnant, and he wants nothing to do with me,” she says.

The days of assuming someone is single just because they send cute Whats App texts throughout the day and have flowers delivered at your work every week, unfortunately, died with the dinosaurs. Pardon us if we sound a little pessimistic! Since dating is more informal these days, ensure both you and your partner are on the same page regarding your relationship status. What if he considers you his ‘friend-with-benefits’ while you’ve already started planning your wedding? “Even if this is just a casual relationship, it’s important to know if he’s seeing other women or not. Be as direct as you can because your health and life are at stake here; don’t be apologetic about it,” says Dr Rudolph.

If you’re not sure about your new partner’s relationship status, Quinsee recommends asking this specific question strategically. “Ask how he feels about you. This will give you an indication of his emotions towards you and where his mind is from a relationship perspective. Evaluating the answers may help you decide if you want to take the risk of becoming intimate with him or not,” she explains.

DEFINE YOUR BOUNDARIES

Your partner may be into some kinky sexual moves or rituals you’re not ready for, so it’s important to discuss all that before you get under the sheets. “Discuss how far you’re both willing to go and communicate your boundaries clearly. Some people are wild, while some are sensual. If you and your partner don’t know where your sexual boundaries lie or what they are, one or both of you might end up sexually frustrated,” warns Dr Rudolph. It may be awkward, but also explain any discomfort you may have experienced during sex in a previous relationship. Some guys may be intimidated by how forthright and gutsy you are about sexual relations, but go ahead and speak your mind anyway. After all, you’re not trying to attract a guy whose viewpoints on sex belong in medieval times. •

*Not her real name