Special Report – Nanny Diaries

Issues between you and your ‘helper’ can build up during the year, leaving you nanny-less come January. Here’s how to make sure she comes back...

It’s January. One of the songs that will be sung widely by black ‘madams’ is “ngab’uzobuya nini na?” (Wonder when she’ll come back), as they watch yet another week go by without the return of their beloved ‘helpers’ from December holidays.

Black employers are not the only ones who may be dealing with this situation, but the intensity of the choir of black ‘madams’ who find themselves on the same boat in January can’t be ignored.

To explore the reasons she may not be coming back at all this year, we need to examine some of the deep-seated issues between you and your domestic worker.

WE ARE NOT ‘NGAMLAS’

Tumi Rabanye, a 38-year-old marketing strategist and single mom, has always had at the back of her mind the question, ‘How do I manage a domestic worker?’ because her nannies always move on to greener pastures. Her answer is to have some kind of sisterhood with her domestic workers.

Rabanye’s dilemma is not unique to middle-class African women. In a lecture given by Wits University’s Dr Shireen

Ally, titled In Service of Racial Dystopia: Anxiety and Fantasy in the Figure of

‘The Maid’, she says, “Black madams are bearers of anxiety themselves. The overriding anxiety of black employers is to make sure they were not a ‘white employer’.”

Historically, white employers were said to be the ones who overworked and exploited their domestic workers. We hear stories about how black workers were treated by white employers before domestic worker rights became a realityqnannies were expected to work long hours and days, including weekends, only getting a day off on Thursdays (which came to be known as Sheila’s Day).

The black ‘madam’s anxiety to not be ‘like white people’ is a common theme in Xoliswa Dilata’s Masters thesis, Between ‘Sisters’: A Study of the Employment Relationship between African Domestic Workers and African Employers in the Townships of Soweto. She explains how historically, assistance for working African mothers came in the form of close relatives, like grannies, aunts or cousins.This familial relation would give them a sense of ease that their family would be taken care of.

While there’s still a preference for someone close to look after their children, it’s not always possible. In the absence of a trusted relative, black ‘madams’ hire what they call a ‘helper’ (domestic worker) to look after the house and their children while they work. This term ‘helper’ is meant to show that the black employer respects and values their domestic — like family.

One black employer Dilata interviewed offers a different view. “She’s not a helper, she’s a domestic worker doing her job. How is she helping me when she is earning a salary for services rendered?,” the woman asks, adding that some employers who use the term ‘helper’ are “justifying the pay that they give their employees.”

Dilata says the reality of the situation is that they’re not equals. Employers are still in control as the domestic workers operate on instructions they receive from them.

ARE BLACK ‘MADAMS’ THE WORST?

Even with all the sensitivity black ‘madams’ seem to bring to their relationships with their ‘helpers’, they’re still said to be ‘the worst’. Buhle NcubeMoyo, who runs the domestic worker recruitment agency Nannies In Training, admits that she often has candidates who insist on working for white women, claiming that black employers mistreat them. She quickly adds that she doesn’t tolerate such requests and explains to them that, “You can’t compare all black people. Just because you had a bad experience with one doesn’t mean they will all mistreat you.”

Jabulile Mahlangu, a 35-year-old domestic worker, has tainted views of black employers. She says a previous boss made her work every day of the week, including Sundays. “When I asked her when I could go to church, she’d said, ‘do you want this job or not?’ So I worked overtime for little pay because I’m desperate for work,” she says.

Beauty Mkhwanazi, a 58-year-old domestic worker, disagrees with Mahlangu. Having worked for her current employer for 29 years, Mkhwanazi says that she’s surprised by nannies that say that they won’t let black people ‘play them’, and

yet bear the ill-treatment of white employers. She says that finds some nannies devote themselves and show more respect when working for white people.

Mkhwanazi says that her poor background and difficult economic circumstance hasn’t afforded her any other options but domestic work, so she finds she’s able to tolerate a lot more knowing that her family back home in Mzimkhulu, Kwa-Zulu Natal is depending on her salary.

“You have to respect your work like you would a marriage. Just like in marriage, some days are good and other days are painful. At work, you have good and bad days too. But, you and your employer have to be tolerant of each other for this to work,” says Mkhwanazi.

She says that at times, her workload would get quite heavy but that she would just keep at it instead of complaining. Eventually, she’d get through the load.

“What has always worked for me is that, even though my employer is younger than me, I’ve always shown her respect as if she’s older. She also shows me respect, however, my level of respect has to be more than hers,” she adds.

MANAGING THE AWKWARD OLDER EMPLOYEE/ YOUNGER EMPLOYER DYNAMIC

Ncube-Moyo says most of her clients prefer older ladies, as they’d both be married already and have older children, which allows for them to have a longer-term relationship with the nanny. There’s anxiety that younger nannies will, over time, want to leave them to start families of their own and they’d have to go through the daunting search for a new nanny.

That dynamic of an older employee does, however, have its own challenges. Mature nannies that look after young children may not have as much energy as a younger nanny would, or they may not be able to perform duties like handwashing baby clothes, as their joints (arthritis) may not be able to handle it.

The most common challenge is the difficulty for younger ‘madams’ to communicate instructions to their older nannies, as they may perceive them to be disrespectful. Or, there may be an element of nannies making their own rules or changing routines, based on their own experience as mothers, which may cause tension with their employer.

“I train nannies to respect that the mother knows best. It’s important for them to follow the parents’ guidelines in terms of how they want their children to be raised. They should rather discuss with the parent first if they feel something could be improved in the child’s care, as opposed to doing things at their own accord,” Ncube-Moyo explains.

She also encourages that there be a nanny diary system put in place, so that ‘helpers’ can jot down any changes and developments with the children, particularly if the kids are young.

Her advice to nannies that work for younger employers is simply: “Treat them as your children, but listen to them as your bosses.”

ADDRESS ANY TRUST ISSUE

A lot of what Ncube-Moyo finds herself dealing with is the conflict between employers and employees. Both her recruits as well as her clients come to her with complaints or frustrations.

Ncube-Moyo says she regards the emotional intelligence training of her nanny candidates to be as important as housework and first aid. For instance, she trains the nannies she places to, at no point, talk back or reciprocate when their employer lashes out at them for whatever reason. She encourages them to rather let the situation settle and then raise their issues with their bosses when things are calmer.

A big point of anxiety for most employers with children, particularly black ‘madams’, is the number of news stories of ill-treatment and abuse of children by childcare givers. Some employers have even resorted to installing nanny-cams in their houses to check that their children are not being abused.

Says Ncube-Moyo: “One nanny came forward to complain that their employer has installed cameras in the house. I tell them, they should not have issues with this if they don’t have anything to hide.”

She regards incidents like theft or ill-treating their employers’ children as serious incidents. “Stealing is stealing. Even if the employee steals one teabag, you have essentially broken the trust of your employer. I’ve had a client call me to say a lady I placed at her house stole from her. After confirming this with the employee, who admitted that she stole, I removed her from our database. I encourage employers to open a criminal record, to cut the pattern of this happening again to her future employers. This is why we do criminal checks when placing domestic workers,” Ncube-Moyo explains.

BEWARE OF THE IMPACT OF CHANGING NANNIES ON CHILDREN

According to Psychology Today, when parents are ambivalent about the nanny’s role, they may minimise the impact of their child’s attachment to the nanny. They advise that you express empathy for a child’s sad feelings about their nanny leaving – this may help your kid feel more cared for and safe.

Parents, whether on good terms or bad terms, often overlook the impact of a nanny’s departure on a child, says Esther Chunga, a counselling psychologist at The Ububele Educational and Psychotherapy Trust. “This goes back to the importance (or lack thereof ) that’s placed on the role of the nanny in the family. The departure of a nanny can create a shift in the entire family dynamic,” she adds.

Even if the relationship with the nanny ended on bad terms, Chunga says that there’s value in acknowledging what the nanny was to the family and how much she’ll be missed.

She says that not speaking about the nanny’s departure and reasons, why she’s no longer there, can make children anxious. Even though parents feel they may be protecting the child from things, kids are perceptive and could internalise emotions. “Children have fantasies about what may have gone wrong, they might even think that they’re the reason that the

The most common challenge is the difficulty for younger ‘madams’ to communicate instructions to their older nannies.

nanny left. It’s a difficult conversation to have with children, but it’s better to be authentic and honest, even if you don’t go into great detail,” Chunga advises.

If the parting is amicable, Chunga suggests that the children are afforded an opportunity say goodbye to the nanny, so that there’s closure in their heads. She likens the separation to a nanny (especially if they were really close) to a child to a death. For some kids, the separation may be so intense that they go through a period of mourning. Chunga urges parents to help children cope with this loss, as well as taking note of signs of distress, like bed-wetting or acting out that may arise as a result of the loss.

If it’s something that’s managed well and there are conversations that happen to get the children to understand that people sometimes have to come in and out of their life, they can recover from that easily.

The role of the nanny has evolved and gotten bigger, given the busy schedules of parents. Children are generally spending more time with their nannies than their parents. As a result, your little ones may develop a strong attachment to their child givers. There may arise in some parents feelings of guilt and rivalry, because they miss a lot of their children’s lives because they work so hard.

“It’s important to acknowledge these feelings and put words to them for ourselves, so that we’re able to help our children cope with their own emotions as they get older,” says Chunga.

And remember that your nanny has a life outside of work, too. She, too, has a family to raise. “It’s also important to have empathy and compassion for the nanny as often they don’t get to raise or be with their own children. What does that mean for them in caring for your children? Even if her relationship with you and your family is good, there’s still a lot of pain around that,” says Chunga.

BE AN ATTRACTIVE EMPLOYER

Estelle Carstens of Domestic Support, an agency that helps employers manage the administration of their domestic workers to ensure they are compliant, advises on the following to ensure you have your bases covered:

Don’t skip the basics

Ensure your employee is registered for UIF (and that you contribute monthly). Ensure that you have a contract outlining the working hours, leave, days they work, a list of duties and responsibilities, as well as remuneration. This also draws a line for ‘her time’, particularly in livein situations.

It’s a legal obligation that you produce a payslip for your employee every month. You’re also required to pay your employee a minimum of R2545,22 per month or R13,05 per hour (particularly if she works more than 27 hours a week and is in the big cities), according to the Department of Labour.

Have you documented it?

“Employers often come to me and says they’ve spoken to their domestic workers a number of times (about misconduct or if they’re not performing) and I always say to them, have you documented it?” says Carstens.

She says that it’s best to draw up written warnings if you had conversations about misconduct.