Sex – Tackle Sexual Insecurities

We all wish we could “fix” some parts of our body – to make things tighter, smaller or bigger... It’s time to ditch those hang-ups and free the sex goddess within you!

As the saying goes, sex starts in the mind, so when you’re in the right headspace, your current body – warts, jiggles and all – will reward you with ecstatic sex. You do know that even supermodels who grace catwalks wish they could change a few things to perfect their bodies? So “ordinary” women like us are not alone in dealing with our “imperfections.”

But, if the thought of stripping in front of your partner for lovemaking still makes you break out in a cold sweat, relax. Help is at hand to overcome those insecurities and help you find your happy place between the sheets.

BE CONFIDENT

Every woman, no matter her body shape or size, is capable of enjoying consensual sex with her partner, says Dr Nosipho Mazizi, a physician in private practice in Tembisa, Gauteng. Sex, she explains, is the greatest therapy between two lovers. It reduces stress and strengthens your bond through the release of oxytocin – the love hormone.

When a woman’s mind is preoccupied with how her partner views her body and if she’s good enough, she won’t enjoy intimacy, Mazizi adds.

“Love, acceptance and great sex go together. When your partner is in love with you, they accept you the way you are and strive to ensure you both have a great sex life. But, it starts with you – the woman – to love and fully accept yourself and your body,” Mazizi says. While men have their own hang-ups too, especially about their penis size, their confidence helps them take the lead during sex, she adds.

Being self-conscious during sex is not just a figment of women’s imagination. It stems from psychological, physiological and societal norms that are deeply embedded and control how we perceive sex, Mazizi explains.

“Women are socialised to give their bodies to please men without any expectations in return. Girls are taught to remain virgins and save themselves for marriage. When a young woman has a baby naturally, there’s a misconception that her vagina becomes too big to accommodate her partner’s manhood. If you start having sex early and gain experience, you’re called names, whereas the same doesn’t apply to men. All these messages hinder women from embracing their sexuality. Sadly, an orgasm doesn’t happen by magic, it takes two adults to perform in sync,” Mazizi adds.

TAKE CONTROL

There’s a need for comprehensive sex education before we can level the play fields between women and men, says Dr Tlaleng ‘T’ Mofokeng. As the lead consultant at Nalane Associates for Reproductive Justice and member of the Global Advisory Board for Sexual Health and Wellbeing, she says the way forward is for women to take charge of their sexual satisfaction by exploring and understanding their own bodies, the same way men do.

“Women were warned against masturbation. As a result, they don’t know their own bodies and yet expect a man to know how to satisfy them in bed. No one owes you good sex and an orgasm. As an adult, it’s your responsibility to take ownership, negotiate and lead the sex how you want it,” she states.

Mofokeng adds that a lot of women are passive participants who only engage in sexual activity when their partner has an erection and focus their energy on pleasuring them. This, she says, results in inhibitions.

“Women worry if they are skinny enough, if their vaginas are too dry, wet or smelly. Vaginas have been commodified for the satisfaction of men – it’s too much,” she laments. Her advice is for you to take your power back by fully embracing your body and equip yourself with information.

“Read up on different medical conditions you may have, the side effects of medication you’re on and its impact on your sex life. Don’t be passive. Read and ask your doctor for advice. If your vagina’s dry due to ovulation, get a lubricant. When you know how your body works, what your vagina looks like and how you like intercourse, you’ll be confident and able to guide your partner to fully satisfy you in bed,” Mofokeng adds.

COMMUNICATE

Communication — verbal and non-verbal — is important in a sexual relationship. Faking enjoyment is unnecessary.

“Faking an orgasm is like scoring an own goal. How’s your partner supposed to know how you like it when you fake it? Share your sexual needs openly and guide him to do what you like, exactly how you like it,” Mofokeng says.

“Some guys don’t even bother with foreplay and rush to penetration –whether you’re ready or not. Dry sex is completely unacceptable and painful – it’s a sign you’re not ready for intercourse,” Mazizi explains.