Sex – When You’re Not In The Mood

Sex should never feel forced, or like a dreaded chore. We examine the unhealthy pressure to always be sexually available for your partner...

Some women in committed relationships might consider their ability to have sex on tap as a superpower, especially in a patriarchal society where the notion of always being sexually available for your man is the norm. The pressure is palpable. It’s embedded in our cultures, where women are socialised into believing their role in a relationship is to satisfy their husbands sexually (and otherwise) at all times. The fear that your man might go and find that pleasure elsewhere is the threat that’s dangled at you, to make you submit to the pressure.

This is one of the reasons why some women pressurise themselves into sexually pleasing their partners all the time, even when they’re not up to it. But, there are other reasons. “Women often have sex because they feel coerced – even if it’s a subconscious coercion that they feel from their partner,” says psychologist and sexologist, Dr Marelize Swart.

“It may not necessarily be rooted in the fear that he’ll get it elsewhere, but perhaps that he’ll get mad. So women oblige to avoid an argument, getting a cold shoulder, or having their partner being moody or grumpy. Often there’s this pressure to give in ‘just to please one’s partner’ and that’s an absolute ‘no no’ for a good, fulfilling sex life,” Swart says.

THE DANGERS

Having sex out of fear of any kind is very unhealthy and detrimental to a relationship, warns clinical psychologist and psychometrist, Dr Seleme Melato. “Doing something not because you’re willing, but because you feel that’s what is expected of you, or you feel coerced or threatened, can lead to resentment and emotional detachment. And, ultimately, the demise of the relationship,” Melato says.

According to clinical psychologist, Lungile Lechesa, this unhealthy fear can also lead to a woman losing a sense of who she is. “A woman may become obsessed about making sure she does everything right to please her man. The fear can result in deep insecurities where she may feel she’s not good enough for her man, which leads to depression,” Lechesa explains.

“Additionally, rape within a relationship is often thought of as impossible. However, the notion that your partner should always be ready for sex, can also lead into the territory of what is consensual and what is not. In the event of it being non-consensual, one may be left feeling violated or used. This, then, can result in a myriad of psychological and emotional difficulties,” Lechesa cautions.

Ultimately, Melato says, a relationship should always be based on honesty and trust. “It’s these attributes that can help a woman speak up and voice her sexual needs and feelings without any fear of retribution,” she says.

THE BIG MYTH

The idea of always having to be in the mood for sex in a marriage or a committed relationship, is a big myth for men and women. “The human body is a complex system that is bound to be affected by factors such as our hectic lifestyles, illnesses, mood, death of a loved one, or being new parents. So it’s unreasonable to assume that married people or those in relationships should always be in the mood for sex,” Melato says.

It’s true that men naturally have a higher sex drive than women because of their high testosterone. What’s revealing, however, is that it’s not abnormal for a woman to never ever be in the mood for sex, as medical doctor, sexologist and clinical head of My Sexual Health, Dr Elna Rudolph shares.

“A woman can go through her life without feeling the need for sex, especially if she’s been in a relationship for more than three years. She might never feel that need for it and she can still be normal – there’s nothing wrong with her. What she needs to be able to do is ‘switch on’ when it’s required,” Rudolph says.

“If it’s important in the relationship that she sometimes initiates, she doesn’t have to feel horny before she does. If there’s stimulation, the body will respond. Expecting a woman to be naturally aroused, is looking at the world through men’s eyes. For women, sex starts in the head,” she emphasises.

“But sometimes you need to steer the body, even if it’s neutral. You need to start foreplay, even if you’re not feeling anything. The body should then be able to respond to that stimulation. If your body doesn’t respond positively, that could be an indication of something that’s not right. So to be spontaneously in the mood for sex is an unrealistic expectation, but a woman can get in the mood, if the circumstances are right,” Rudolph explains.

FINDING A RESOLUTION

Dr Melato stresses the importance of honest communication in a relationship. If your man is initiating intimacy and you don’t feel like it, it’s not only important to inform him, but you should also give reasons for your feelings, she says.

“You might, for example, be pre-menstrual and experiencing tenderness, feel bloated and have a low libido. Tell your partner, assuring him the situation is temporary. The assurance will put him at ease,” Melato says.

She adds that working women are obviously bound to be exhausted at times, and this is exacerbated by household chores such as doing groceries, school runs, making dinner, as well as having to help the kids with homework. “In an instance where a woman is really tired and not feeling like being intimate, it’s important to let your partner know on time, and not when you’re already in bed and he’s aroused, anticipating some action,” Melato explains. “You could, as an alternative, suggest cuddling for the night, with an agreement of setting the alarm to wake up an hour earlier, to have a quickie before going to work,” Melato advises.

Another effective recommendation would be to have special date nights that you put on the calendar, Swart suggests. “You both can then anticipate being sexual and put some more effort into the lovemaking session, so that it’s a quality sexual connection. At the end of the day, it’s about quality, and not quantity, when it comes to lovemaking,” reminds us.

On the flipside, Melato points out that these guidelines apply to women as well when they’re in the mood for intimacy, only to find that their men are tired. “The man should be able to express his feelings as well as the reasons for such to you. There should be a willingness to understand your man’s reasons, and to explore alternatives without coming across as emotional and suspicious of his motives,” she says.

“In addition, women should avoid using their periods, exhaustion and headaches as continuous excuses to avoid intimacy all the time. This could lead to the man feeling neglected and unloved, and he might even start feeling sexually inadequate,” Melato concludes.

Women often have sex because they feel coerced - even if it’s a subconscious coercion that they feel from their partner.