Sex – Bargaining With Sex
Is it okay to withhold sex to get what you want? Or, is that an outdated way of conducting a relationship? Our experts weigh in...
A few months ago, a new acquaintance jokingly admonished me for being “too headstrong” and warned: “If I was your man, I wouldn’t even give you birthday sex!”
Now, us January babies are well-versed on standing jokes regarding our birthday month — we never get gifts because people are too broke and are gearing up for Back to School. Sex is pretty much the only thing we get as a gift because it’s free. So, I was shocked when my friend used that as some kind of disciplinary threat [chuckles].
NEW RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
According to some of the women I’ve spoken to since that incident, sex is no longer a readily given part of a relationship. It has been weaponised and used as a tool to control, manipulate and bargain. My romantic notion of “Weapon of Mass Seduction” has been blown out the water.
“Of course I use sex to get what I want in a relationship. When I’m with a man, he gets my time and undivided attention. I dedicate time that I could’ve used to make money in my business to instead clean, cook, be present in conversation and give him an orgasm. I should get something out of it,” laughs an old friend of mine, who has wrangled everything from money and moving transport, to new appliances and full tanks of petrol from her doting man. “I don’t order, I charge!”
SEX AS PUNISHMENT AND REWARD
So what is the role of sex in a relationship? It actually consists of three pillars — recreation, relation and more recreation, says Timothy Kieswetter, a sex therapist and marriage counsellor. “Recreation is not just about making the babies, but also providing a stable household environment for the upbringing of those children. Relation is the deeper connection sex offers
couples – it’s lovemaking and make-up sex after a fight, and the type of sex where both parties are on the same page and find each other in a magic union of body, soul and spirit. The other recreation is the fun part. That is sex for no other higher purpose, but rather the joy of the act itself. As you go through the different stages and seasons of your relationship, the focus may shift from one to another, but a healthy relationship is one where all three — recreation, relation and recreation — play an equally important role. Without sex, you can’t truly achieve these three pillars of a healthy sexual relationship,” he explains.
Be that as it may, the narrative in the age-old game of love has been that of sex as a source of power for women, which they use as an exploitation and bargaining tool. Movies, television, beauty salon gossip and girlfriend wine gatherings have normalised this outlook. Hardly anyone bats an eyelid when women talk about withholding sex until they get that LV bag or tropical vacation, or rewarding their partners with some deep throat action for finally cleaning the garden.
Jade Zwane, author, and sex and life coach, says humans are naturally sexual beings, but don’t only use sexual fulfilment for bonding and increased intimacy. “The reality is that sex can be, and is often used for power play. Too many people, especially women, use it to bargain and barter for things, including improved lifestyles.” Both Zwane and Kieswetter agree that using sex as punishment or reward in a relationship is “outdated”, and can lead to precarious power dynamics – even devaluing an intimate act that should be used as an expression of love.
“When you do decide to share it, the power roles may change, and you may be unable to control how the sex is had and whether protection is used or not,” Zwane says. This is when extreme and debasing sexual acts get to be used when the man “takes” his reward and turns it into punishment for the woman. Kieswetter labels this as “extremely unhealthy”. “The competition in any relationship is porn, sex workers and potential affairs. This is the outdated part. In the past, we thought of sex as something we had to give to our partners, otherwise they’d get it somewhere else. This way of thinking will always cause you to look at sex as a weapon. Sex is something you do for yourself. You have to see sex as something you need, want and enjoy for yourself, not to reward or punish your partner with,” he adds.
A TIT FOR TOTE (BAG) BANTER
In this era of blessers and blessees, another school of thought that says, “if slay queens can get Dubai trips and Peruvian hair from just using their VJJs, why can’t I?”, has anecdotal evidence and social media networks chats to support their theory. Popular platforms such as Instagram are flooded with international #Baecation and #GucciGang posts, where women show off material gains accumulated from simply trading “bomb p*ssy”. So is it so wrong for the “ordinary” woman to want the same from her relationship or marriage?
“It’s very dangerous to view sex as a commodity because then we miss the deeper meaning of our sexuality. Sex is part of who you are as a human being. As a commodity, it robs you of a large part of your being,” Kieswetter says.
Zwane agrees. “Sex is a physical expression of love or pleasure. We should be having sex for the right reasons, which include sexual desire and attraction to the next person.”
IT GOES BOTH WAYS
Men have also been known to “starve” their partners when unhappy about something. As Zwane concludes: “Both parties must deal with the phenomenon. I look forward to the day where every man and woman is afforded the luxury to have sex for their pleasure, and don’t use it as a barter or bargaining tool.”