His Turn – Honesty Among Couples
Is honesty really the best dating policy? Our columnist, Lesedi Molefi, mulls over this question and more
Exhibit A: “Yes, my favourite colour is purple. Did I mention that I wasn’t breastfed as a child? Now I’ve got unresolved abandonment issues.” Imagine you were seated at the next table. You see the shock and embarrassment creep into Romeo’s date’s eyes as she realises he’s not kidding. A heavy sip of wine follows. “Oh, that’s, ahem, interesting,” she murmurs, before glancing at the clock. Radically honest conversation on a dinner date is not what it’s cracked up to be. As far as wholesome dating myths go, “honesty is the best policy,” is commonly captioned, yet seldomly adhered to. In reality, relative honesty gets us into even trickier corners.
A quick scan of Twitter, Instagram or Facebook reveals a deep seated sense of distrust, and a raging fear of being duped where romantic relationships are concerned. Cheating has become common in relationships, raising eyebrows only when absent. Divorce rates have increased since 2013. According to Cape Townbased divorce lawyer Bertus Preller, infidelity and a lack of communication are the top reasons for divorce in South Africa. Both are derivatives of emotional dishonesty. Trends are similar in non-marital relationships. Where health is concerned, infidelity even threatens lovebirds with the contraction of STIs, should you give a dishonest partner the benefit of the doubt on just one occasion. The case for radical honesty in modern dating is not a matter of morality or personal virtue. It’s a matter of life and — financial, social or even literal — death. Perhaps it’s also a useful test of integrity, no matter how awkward the result.
Depending on who you ask, there are ordinarily five stages in a relationship. The first is the “honeymoon” phase, when many fibs are told. Sentences such as “I’m really a sapiosexual, but I prefer movies to books,” emerge unprovoked from your new flame’s lips. “Yes, I believe in feminism, but we need to just think of people as human beings before men or women, you know?” says the guy who insists on paying the bill because he’s a gentle-MAN.
They say first impressions last. So we do and say whatever it takes to ensure the honeymoon phase goes off without a hitch.
But admit it, you hate purple. Before your date, you read an online article titled, 63 Questions To Make Them Fall In Love With You because you have no idea what to say to your date. Maybe try saying what you mean? “I got off my prescribed anti-depressants because singing out loud to Coldplay works better for me.” Deal-breaker? Split the bill, not the Uber. But if you do joke and party your way through a typical honeymoon phase, brace yourself for impact in the aptly named “Landing” phase. You realise your “sapiosexual” responds negatively to having their ideas challenged.
Too late. You’re deep into Stage 2, but know nothing about your partner’s deep-seated psychological issues, nor about how they weren’t breastfed as a child. All because you, like me, prefer not to experience the events of Exhibit A. Is that a worthwhile trade-off ?
Lesedi Molefi is an author, videographer and entrepreneur. His debut book, Patient 12A, is shortlisted for the 2018 City Press Tafelberg Nonfiction Award.
The case for radical honesty in modern dating is not a matter of morality or personal virtue. It’s a matter of life and — financial, social or even literal — death.