Sex – Shagmate Blues

Four women reveal all the juicy and side-splitting details of having a shagmate!

Having a sex buddy is exciting and provides the chance to scratch that ‘itch’ when the craving gets you. These set-ups offer much needed physical release without the messiness of emotions, because it’s all about the flesh and never the heart – or so we think! I slipped between the sheets of four ‘sexually liberated’ women who have experienced the naughty side of casual sex, as well as the absurd endings in their quest for no-strings attached relationships.

‘LUST’ THY NEIGHBOUR

“When I broke up with my ex, I took a vow of celibacy that lasted all of two months, then accidentally fell into my neighbour’s arms. Makhi* and I didn’t talk much. We reached out whenever one of us needed to borrow sugar or to check that the other wasn’t suffering from insomnia. I run out of sugar quite often and he, well, he truly cares about my sleeping patterns. So, a midnight text from him or an afternoon drive-through schedule from me, is all we needed to ensure the itch is scratched. ‘Is the sugar mill open? Ulele?’ – this worked for me. I needed someone to touch without emotional attachment. But the accessibility that came with neighbourly loving began to sour. Suddenly, there were longings for cups of coffee after the deed, chats that included exploring more than just things of the night, and 2am texts, which I found very disrespectful! It’s like I was expected to always be waiting for him. What also started annoying me was him embracing me like a boyfriend would his girlfriend, each time he’d spot me with a young hottie at a party. That made me really uncomfortable. That guy c*ckblocked me and, flip, I allowed it. I also started obsessing about the way Makhi spoke in English. Listen, that human speaks beautifully! So, I stuck around, waiting for our reality show to reach climax, but alas, it never did. Instead, it just went limp. I woke up at his place one morning, had coffee and that was it. The excitement had vanised. That was until three months later when I received a ‘are you sleeping?’ text and the itch was revived. This neighbour sure knows how to give good ‘loving’. So, here I am still mulling over how to respond to that text.”

– Lesego Kgope*, 35, Attorney

MOM’S ‘GOTTA’ EAT

“When I met Mr Friend online, there was no place for a fairy-tale in my life as I was too focused on being a mom and growing my career. I was looking for something fun and easy-going. It seemed this was what he also wanted. For almost a year, no-one knew about ‘us’ as I was afraid of being judged. One day, I heard my own voice in my head saying ‘I like this because, I don’t have to call or check up on you. I can send a text and you’ll either be available or not. If you are – great. If not – oh well.’ I jumped him the first day we met.

I mean, he came to my place with no underwear and his, ahem, ‘friend’ wasn’t difficult to spot underneath his pants. I would’ve had to be deaf, dumb and blind to not see why he came over. I wasn’t sorry to jump him, which I actually did several times that day. We had a good thing going. Then he started catching feelings – he’d call to check up on me, or text during the day to ask how I am. Then the absurd happened. He demanded a key to my house to come and go as he pleased. I laughed in his face and told him to go home. This guy also started scheduling sex, which at first, I enjoyed. But, in the long term, I realised it was a way of controlling me. If I cancelled our ‘dates’, he’d throw a tantrum (how immature!), which was such a turn off! Would I do it again? With him – hell yeah! But, minus his emotional attachment.” – Thandeka Nkosi*, 41, Research executive

AIN’T NO THING, JUST SOME YOUNG FUN

“He was six years younger than me. My sister and one friend were the only ones who knew about my four-week situationship with this tender young thing. I knew I wasn’t going to settle down with him. But while we were on our first ‘date’, he leaned forward and kissed me. And, as they say, the rest was history. Young bae was scheduled to leave for Dubai a month after we met. This was ideal because I didn’t want a long-term relationship – just a good time.

Then he fell for me and told me he loved me. This poor young thing started expressing an interest in meeting my parents. The horror! So, I told him I needed a ‘break’. Catching feelings encroached on where I was, emotionally and mentally. I’d made it clear to him we were just whiling away time while he waited for his work permit. One of the dumbest things he ever did was spank me in public. I don’t do public affection. That was confirmation that he needed to go.

Don’t get me wrong, sex on call, anytime you need it, is great – it’s exactly what I wanted. Just no emotions please. But, this winter, I might just explore this sex buddy thing again. Not being in a relationship is a silly excuse for not having sex.” – Ntokozo Ngcobo*, 35, Accountant

LET ME ALSO TRY THIS

“When I met Mr Good Times and he laid down the Ts and Cs of our unique engagement, I was like, ‘Okay, let’s see’. ‘We’re grown folks, we know what we’re doing,’ he said, and mina ngayifundwa ivalilwe, and went in knowing not to expect anything more than just a bump in the night, every now and then. We met at a club, and didn’t speak much. We met again on Facebook, which led to a hook-up a few months later. The dirty deed lasted way too long – a whole five years. Most of which, konje kuthiwa in English, I was his ‘best-kept secret’. My friends knew about him, but I think I was only revealed at the end of year four.

In-between that, I got a boyfriend, until I realised that I was tired of being a second mother, so I ended things and got back onto the fast lane with Mr Good Times. This had no emotional attachment, no dealing with another human’s drama and insecurities – it looked like an attractive deal. And, he was more than happy to continue where we left off.

Fast forward a few months, we start getting a bit too comfortable with each other. Like, ‘when did you start leaving my house at sunrise?’ So, now we were in year five and Mr Good Times had a pathetic jealousy fit in public when he saw another man chattting me up, while he was busy with a perky young thing. I decided I needed to step out. Lines were getting blurred, and I’m not patient enough to be dealing with someone’s emotional insecurities while he insists his heart’s not in it. Am I supposed to care he felt that way? Am I to ignore it and not bring it up just to keep the peace and have (in)consistent supply of d*ck? Too much admin, I’m busy and too tired for such!” – Keabetswe Legodi*, 38, Customer experience specialist.

*Not their real names