THE SM-EISH
Lesedi Molefi on why adapting your dating rules to social media standards is never a good idea
Take it from me – taking dating and relationship cues from social media is a bad strategy. But we’ve all been there. Do you remember when the “boyfriend allowance” caused a flurry of dissatisfaction in many an erstwhile satisfied girlfriend in 2017? That launched the criminally inane pastime that now persists as Boyfriend Olympics. If he doesn’t send you money for no reason, is he even your boyfriend? More recently, South African Twitter split in half when a male user accused most women of peppering gifts in flavours that prioritise their own tastes. This came after a girl posted a video of herself surprising her boyfriend with an elaborate picnic for his birthday. The #RelationshipGoals hashtag on Instagram is enough to infect even Barack and Michelle Obama with a chronic case of envy. Who wouldn’t want to travel to exotic destinations for luxury meals like your favourite IG model? Quite possibly, you. And your man. Sitting in silence with my partner reading badly written pop culture essays is my idea of peak #RelationshipGoals. Quality time is a love language that doesn’t require expensive things. Perhaps your manly man likes sunflowers, but male stereotypes in a small corner of the World Wide Web have you believing otherwise. SM-eish.
Sharing details of our favourite moments on social media is a natural and exciting part of life for most people today. But it can also be anxiety-inducing. Possibly even crippling. It is the fear of “bazothini”. This isn’t new. Many young men raised with a patriarchal worldview believe they can only pursue the girl of their dreams once they own a car. Those that do have cars, might wait until it’s a luxury vehicle to do so. Social media exacerbates dominant social myths and anxieties. This is what I call the Social Media Eish. Or SM-Eish for short (and sonic resonance). When your relationship’s standards are set by faraway strangers as opposed to your partner’s true instincts and needs, you’ve committed a social media eish!
Dig past the social media avatars, and a grimmer and more nuanced picture emerges. In a country like ours, your partner is likely to have suffered a significant trauma of one kind or another at some stage. You’d be fortunate to experience otherwise. The apartheid-era migrant labour system, for instance, has cursed many people with an empty space where a father’s reassurances should lie, forcing them to seek safety from their insecurities in their partners. Some people grow resentful in love because their mothers don’t have answers to those questions. These are the universal experiences that are likely to influence your partner’s attitude toward attachment (and their love language) than grand social media narratives.
The subtle influence of social media on cultural psyche makes it more important than ever to be particularly cognisant of your partner’s emotional needs, tastes and attachment style, as opposed to star signs or political leanings. Do you really want your relationship to be swayed by anonymous trolls behind a hashtagged trend?
Lesedi Molefi is an author, videographer and entrepreneur. His debut book, Patient 12A, is shortlisted for the 2018 City Press Tafelberg Nonfiction Award.
Sharing details of our favourite moments on social media is a natural and exciting part of life for most people today. But it can also be anxietyinducing.