His Turn – Exes And Nostalgia
Does dreaming about an ex mean it’s time for a reunion? Certainly not, argues Lesedi Molefi
Sometimes, I dream about my ex. Yeah, I said it. And that statement comes with no extenuating circumstances, whatsoever. According to a study cited by the New York Times, those who grew up watching black and white television have been found to regularly dream in black and white. People over the age of 55, especially, report dreaming in monochrome about a quarter of the time. Now, humour me: if that is true, what will become of those born after 1980? Are we doomed to dream in the light blue thumbsup of Facebook likes and Instagram’s red hearts? Say it isn’t so. And more seriously, what if those likes reside deep in our memory bank alongside the well-lit selfies and videos of former lovers we’re struggling to get over? If a dubious study has proven that our memories profoundly influence our dreams, what does it mean when you repeatedly dream about your ex? If you’ve got similar problems, take a seat. We need to talk.
What is dreaming? A safe catch-all definition is “all perceptions, thoughts, or emotions experienced during sleep.” This deepens the conundrum. Why do our exes haunt our perceptions, thoughts and emotions? Could it mean that it’s time for a reunion? Not necessarily.
The human mind is infamous for playing tricks on itself. One of those party tricks involves serving our consciousness with a conveyor belt of misguided nostalgia. Which leads to questions like: “Will I ever find a love as comforting as the one I experienced with the woman I loved three years ago?” or “How about the person I shared ice cream cones with four years ago?” Things can get really ugly once you begin to ask: “What happened to me? I was a better person when I was with [insert ex’s name].” The person you once were is not necessarily the best version you could be, nor will ever be. Even if it ends unceremoniously, I’m a firm believer in the idea that every successful love story is a growth story — just not necessarily a happily ever after. Despite the demands of our fairytale dreams, relationships are not something we get right the first time around. Nor the second, or the third. We grow a little more self-aware every time we love someone new. We learn about our worst habits from a new perspective. How many of us have committed to spending more time alone after a painful breakup? That is the true grace of former relationships.
We dream about the better parts of our exes because the mind can easier process what has already happened over what is yet to come. Still, I believe there is a lot to be said about what our exes mean to the present. Ex-partners, after all, were burdened with the misfortune of accompanying us along the journey to whomever we have become today. They bravely loved former versions of ourselves that even we may look back at and cringe over. Exes are a necessary part of our growth story.
While it’s a comforting, deeply romantic idea to think that we have already met our soulmate, the hope of reuniting with an ex-lover is a naive idea. But is it naive to seek out a committed, deliberate love, when the details of our relationship history suggest it is a pipe dream? Hardly.
A silver lining: if it all ends badly, perhaps, like the 55-year-olds who dream in black and white, the false sense of appreciation earned from complete strangers on Instagram will visit us in our dreams.
Lesedi Molefi is an author, videographer and entrepreneur. His debut book, Patient 12A, is shortlisted for the 2018 City Press Tafelberg Nonfiction Award.
Exes bravely loved former versions of ourselves that even we may look back at and cringe over.