Sex – No Sex Marriage
Sexless marriages are more common than we let on. We go under the sheets to find out what leads to this lack of intimacy, and offer a few solutions!
Asexless marriage sounds like an oxymoron because surely ‘no sex’ equals ‘dissolution of a marriage’. It turns out that this isn’t always true. In some cases, living without sex in a marriage isn’t necessarily a deal breaker.*Insert confused face here.*
However, experts agree that much as sex can come across as overrated in assessing the health of any relationship, it does play a role in getting couples to connect emotionally and create lasting bonds. Sex helps keep a relationship fresh. When there’s no action between the sheets, it can create space for people to grow apart.
You are in a sexless marriage if you have sex only a few times a year, when you’ve gone years without sex, or where your partner is more of a roommate than your lover. But can a marriage really survive without intimacy?
SEX AND INTIMACY
A marriage can survive without sex, but it cannot survive without intimacy, says counselling psychologist Nkateko NdalaMagoro. “Intimacy is more than sex. It’s connecting on a deeper, emotional level, being intentional about understanding the needs of the next person, as well as serving them. Sex plays a bigger role in intimacy, but it’s not the only way to be intimate. For example, a couple that is unable to have sex due to physical challenges, can still be very intimate with one another. Sometimes, that connection can be deeper than that of a couple that’s not physically challenged or who see sex as just a duty or physical act,” Ndala-Magoro explains.
The survival of a marriage without
intimacy depends on a lot of factors, says relationship coach Makabelo Motaung.
“You have to establish if both parties are okay with not having sex, or if it’s just one person, because a couple can agree not to have sex for whatever reason. How long have you been married? How old are you? What is your sex history as a couple? I know of marriages that are sexless and are still full of love,” Motaung shares. Imago relationship therapist Mapule Ratshefola adds that it’s very important to understand what meaning each party attaches to the lack of sex in the relationship.
“If, for example, having no sex means ‘you don’t love me’ for the one person, then it may easily create problems. That’s why open communication is imperative in a relationship,” she says.
“You can even talk about the use of alcohol for sexual excitement. If getting tipsy helps you get comfortable and lose your inhibitions, then it’s okay. The biggest thing is whether the alcohol intake helps the couple to be more present for each other or not. It’s important to understand the reasons. If you use alcohol because you don’t feel comfortable with your partner, or yourself, then there’s a problem. The red flag is in using alcohol all the time, which hints at underlying issues,” Ratshefola explains.
THE CAUSES
Reasons for sexless marriages range from mismatched libidos (where you’re not sexually in sync with your partner), unrealistic expectations about sex, history of past sexual abuse and mental health as well as emotional issues. “Sometimes it’s beyond what we can control, such as illness or external stressors like death of a loved one or loss of a job. We can also stop being attracted to each other,” Motaung says.
Ndala-Magoro says when a couple is too familiar with each other, they tend to neglect the sexual aspect of their marriage. “Also, in a fast-paced world, work, career, children and general life stressors can take over to the point where sex becomes the last thing couples make time for. If left unchecked, soon couples find themselves in a sexless marriage, which may then result in them drifting apart emotionally and physically,” she adds.
Cheating is another top contributor. “Trust is lost as a result of infidelity. There’s a lot of pain, hurt and disappointment, and these can lead to one partner feeling unloved, not respected and not wanting to have sex,” Ndala-Magoro explains. Socialisation or religious backgrounds can also play a role, Ratshefola adds.
“If messages about sexuality, like ‘sex is bad’, are believed, then they will have an impact. The socialisation that sex is a duty a wife performs for her husband, rather than a pleasurable experience for herself first, also contributes to the flawed attitudes towards sex,” she points out.
MAKE TIME FOR SOME NOOKIE
It’s important to set aside some sexy time. “Sex can become unimportant if you let it. So, communication will be key here. Find out what your partner’s sexual needs are and how best to compromise in order to meet them. Have time off alone without the kids and work responsibilities. Get away and just sex it out. PS: sex doesn’t have to start and end at home in the bedroom. Use that drive back home for a quickie. The point is, it’s really OK to have sex wherever the opportunity presents itself,” Motaung says.
“It might also be useful for couples to have codes or a language only known to them in expressing their need for sexual attention while in public,” Ndala-Magoro notes. “This can be a form of foreplay, which should not be reserved for only when the couple is alone or undressing. It can happen in public (just don’t get
caught), or in the kitchen when the couple is working together on a particular chore. In this way, you build up erotic anticipation for when you get between the sheets,” she adds.