Relationship – Modern Dating

Modern dating can feel like a minefield. Here’s how to navigate some of the trickiest challenges women are dealing with in pursuit of both success and romance

IBy NORMA YOUNG

f you’ve been struggling to land a date, let alone a relationship, you can stop trying to figure out what you’re doing wrong. It’s not you. It’s the maths that’s flawed. According to the 2016 national census, South Africa has a population that’s 51% female, meaning there are more women than men in the country. Many reasons have influenced this imbalance, but whether the reasons are more men dying or emigrating for better work opportunities, the outcome is the same. There are just not enough men for the number of women we have in Mzansi. But, there are other factors that make it hard for modern women to find love.

STATE OF THE NATION’S HEARTS?

Just as career opportunities have opened up, so too have definitions, expectations and hopes around relationships. “I think our understandings of love are as diverse as we are,” explains Mothepa Ndumo, CEO of Higher Self Career and Executive Coaching.

Take Nothemba, 42, who has never been married and is currently single. She wants to be in a relationship but finds it challenging because she’s a committed road runner. “I picked up running about 10 years ago and my life is built around it. I’m usually either training for or recovering from a marathon. I run at least four times a week so I have a set routine. This makes it difficult to go on dates in the evening and means that even on weekends, I can only meet up after I’ve trained or competed.” Finding time requires a bit of juggling, and this is where Nothemba finds most men lose patience. “I do have gaps in my calender to date, it’s just not always when it’s considered normal or expected. I think men end up feeling like my running is more important. And it is – but so is love, and I’m willing to find a way to balance both.”

Any man who’s interested in Nothemba must compromise around time, and be supportive of her hobby. If roles were reversed, this would be the expectation any man has of his girlfriend or wife. Men, however, have been socialised to expect that their needs and interests are paramount. “The gender that we want and need this love from is not ready or able to give us that,” Ndumo says.

In recent history, societies have evolved exponentially as a result of the women’s universal right to vote and feminist movements. It sometimes seems that women have worked hard to create a more equal world, but men aren’t living in this space yet.

“The modern working woman is navigating increasingly complex and change-rich environments – ‘finding love’ adds another layer of complexity to her ability to navigate these new environments,” Ndumo adds. “So, to find love and to expect it to be simple and straightforward is setting ourselves up for huge disappointment. Love in these times is not as simple as it may have been in previous historical times, where gender roles and expectations were more clearly set out.”

OWN YOUR SUCCESS

One of the major changes experienced by society is the growth in women’s income. Historically, the husband was either the higher or sole earner. If she had a job, the women’s salary was her pocket money. Today, women are earning salaries that give them financial independence. In some circumstances, it’s more than what men earn. For Busi, 34, money has been an issue in previous relationships. Despite her young age, she has a high-powered job in the finance sector and earns a “really fantastic salary”. Men seem to not like this, she feels. “This guy and I had been dating for

a couple of months. We were getting along really well, and I felt like the relationship had potential. For his birthday, I booked us a surprise weekend away at a beautiful boutique spa. But he went sour the minute we arrived there.” Busi says it took days for him to finally confess that he felt ashamed he’d never be able to afford to spend that kind of money for her birthday or anniversaries. She recalls him saying that he felt “out of her league”. The two did break up soon after and Busi says she now feels like she has to hide her financial status. Ndumo, however, says Busi should reconsider this approach. Women need to own their success, intelligence and income.

“If a potential partner is intimidated by the prospect of dating you then he’s probably not the kind of person you want in your space anyway. You want to avoid a person who feels good about themselves only when you play small.”

Entering into a relationship with a man who seems intimidated by your power will cause unhappiness for both. But what if you’re married or in a serious relationship and there’s a change in the dynamics? It’s possible to go through this and keep the partnership intact, says life coach and co-author of Meeting Your Power, Nokubonga Mbanga. “Authenticity is key. Playing small to make others feel good doesn’t help. Owning one’s power or success comes with the responsibility of how you’re consuming that power.”

If either one’s sense of value and contribution to the relationship stems from financial superiority, changes in that balance will cause havoc within the union. Men and women need a firm grounding. “You participate in a relationship because of who the person is first, not what they own,” Mbanga explains.

SUPPORTIVE MEN

Although we may not know the challenges and conversations taking place inside their homes, relationships such as those between Connie and Shona Ferguson or Gloria Tomatoe and Gaur Serobe show there are men who can support their spouses to become successful. Men like this do exist, so women need to set parameters for better behaviour from the rest. That will take a shift towards a more spiritual outlook and reframing of gender roles and expectations, but it will be beneficial for men and women, and society at large, Ndumo says.

“Most men will tell you they want an accomplished woman, but their actions often contradict that claim, because once she’s in their lives, her accomplishments suddenly become a problem. So, a man who understands and respects the divine mission that we are here for purposes much bigger than ourselves, will be able to navigate some of these discomforts. A man who operates at that level won’t be an obstacle to another human being’s goal attainment. In fact, he’ll be her biggest champion as she reaches dazzling goals, Ndumo adds.”