Relationship – Myths To Bust

Everyone has opinions about what it takes to create a great relationship. But some of these thoughts have become myths that may stop you from fully enjoying yourself in love

MYTH #1 YOU NEED TO CHANGE FOR HIM TO LOVE YOU AND TO BE ACCEPTED BY HIS FAMILY

This myth is harmful because it starts from the premise that you’re not good enough. There’s a lot of pressure put on women to conform to whatever their partners and in-laws want them to be, but there’s no joy or freedom in that.

“Forced change doesn’t last, and it’s very difficult to change just to be accepted by others. This is an indicator that the founding principles of such a relationship were flawed and marred in typical misrepresentations of self. There are minor things you can change to reasonably accommodate other people, but not necessarily change your personality or compromise who you really are,” says clinical psychologist, Dr Matthews Katjene.

“The bitter truth is that when people don’t want you, they’ll keep moving the goalposts until you can no longer recognise yourself. You’re loved for who you are, not someone else. Most women must first understand their own worth before giving into ideologies which suppress their own identity,” he adds.

MYTH #2 MARRIAGE = SUCCESS AND SOCIAL SUPERIORITY

This is rooted in getting your confidence from external factors. The Family Life Centre’s Wilma Calvert, says this myth is just that, a myth. “Being married doesn’t suddenly bring about any change in a person; only a change in the relationship status. How does a ring and a ceremony confer superiority or success? Finding a partner to spend the rest of your life with is not everyone’s goal,” she says.

Dr Katjene agrees. “Women who behave like marriage is some form of achievement are likely to look down on others and inflate their own selfworth. The worth placed on getting married and seeing that as ‘success’ and stature have put a lot strain on relationships, and kept many women in unhappy unions just to be seen and heard as married. But their lives are totally different and their levels of happiness much lower than their unmarried peers. As a woman, you need to believe that you’re central in any marital relationship, you’re not just a beneficiary,” he says.

MYTH #3 THE CLOCK IS TICKING!

“When are you having a baby?” This is a question that’s often rooted in not understanding that what people choose to do with their reproductive life is none of your business. Women get it a lot because at every turn, we’re reminded “you aren’t that young anymore, dear” by well-meaning loved ones. But the pressure of the biological clock is a myth, not because you can have a baby at any age, but because that shouldn’t be used to force you into anything you may not want. “Women pressurise themselves unnecessarily at times and commit unwarranted mistakes because they respond to environmental and societal demands. The response to the biological clock has contributed to many broken hearts and relationships. Many women have rushed into having babies with wrong partners and are still chasing them for maintenance even today. It’s critical that no woman should be rushed into making life-changing decisions just to fit into socially constructed norms which are not beneficial for her. While age can be a critical factor in fertility; emotional, psychological, financial, physical support and readiness are critical in responding to any pressures,” Dr Katjene says.

MYTH #4 YOU’RE MEANT TO BE OF SERVICE TO YOUR MAN AND DESERVE LITTLE SUPPORT

This is often cloaked with notions that women are nurturers, so it’s okay for us to put ourselves last while our partners do the bare minimum. Calvert suggests using the same logic that we use in other areas of our lives when it comes to this tale. “You don’t choose a partner that has no value to your business. That should hold true for a healthy relationship as well. We can’t share in the ‘profits’ of the relationship if both parties don’t make a meaningful contribution or are not treated as worthy by the other,” she says. Dr Katjene says the concept of one-sided relationships is not healthy

at all. “As much as women can serve, they too deserve to be served. There should be concerted efforts to serve each other in whatever form described by the partners themselves. Women also need support in their lives, be it in their careers, businesses and family. This includes raising kids and carrying out household chores. Women are not machines that can survive without assistance. What is good for the goose is also good for the gander,” he adds.

MYTH #5 THE FOCUS OF YOUR SEX LIFE IS YOUR MAN

You might be shocked by this but many people are living their lives by this myth.

“Any imbalance in a relationship can lead to a problem. Sex is important and both parties need to feel fulfilled. Libido is another matter that has to be discussed,” Calvert advises.

Dr Katjene is also not a fan of a onesided sex life. “Even though sexual pleasure is experienced differently by people, it is meant to provide satisfaction to both parties. The partners need to understand each other’s needs and preferences and make an effort to meet those,” he says.

He also discourages the thinking that sexual satisfaction is only important for men. “Women who are sexually deprived are generally unhappy and if they don’t experience sexual satisfaction in their intimate relationship, they might look for it elsewhere.”

MYTH #6 HAPPINESS IS ONLY FOR NEW RELATIONSHIPS

Have you ever heard people say “they’re so happy because it’s still so new.” Not only false, but that statement has a touch of #boloyi as the Twitter masses would say. Relationships may have their ups and downs, but giving up on the idea of a happy relationships because it’s not new is a myth.

“All relationships are hard work and go through different phases. People are dynamic and situations change. Being aware of both, although not a guarantee, will go a long way to extending the honeymoon period,” Calvert says. Each person’s expectations play a big role in maintaining happiness in a relationship. Expecting to be giddy 24/7/365 might be something that nobody can fulfil, but creating a relationship where you communicate, respect each other and make time for fun, helps to create longlasting feelings of happiness.

“Relationships and marriages are not hard but people are. What is hard is the process of achieving co-existence. Two people make a marriage work, not one. The honeymoon can be termed a transition period while the real work starts thereafter to define the core of the relationship with openness, honesty and unconditional love,” Dr Katjene encourages. “We should not be scared of difficult times in a relationship. Difficulties represent the process of integrating two personalities, their preferences, needs and aspirations. Compromises may have to be made for the relationship to thrive. Stubbornness, pride and misalignment of values can be very big hurdles that could impede achievement of desired and sustainable happiness,” Dr Katjene cautions.