CHASING INNER PEACE
Renowned actress, Masasa Mbangeni, 33, gives us a front-row ticket to her personal life, innermost thoughts, pearls of wisdom, as well as the tough decisions she’s made to be where she is today!
After being absent from e.tv’s hit soapie, Scandal, viewers were thrilled to learn that one of television’s biggest villains, Thembeka, would be returning to their screens. Everyone was excited, except for Masasa, the actress tasked with playing the role once again. Previously, her role on the show earned her the Best Actress accolade at the 2015 South African Film and Television Awards (SAFTAs). The pressure to go back was on, but the anxiety of it all almost crippled Masasa to a point where she nearly turned down the role.
RETURNING TO WHERE I’D STARTED MY CAREER REALLY RATTLED ME. A few months ago, I got a call from Scandal, telling me that they wanted to bring my old character back. To be quite honest, I had mixed emotions about it. So much about me had changed, and I wondered if going back would do the character any good, and how it would be perceived by the public. The show had also changed since I was last there, and naturally, Thembeka would also have changed. During my last days at Scandal, I was personally going through emotional turmoil. That, I suppose, assisted in how I played the character. Therefore, I knew that how I approached Thembeka this time around would have to be different. I sought counsel from a number of people that I trust, including my mom, my boyfriend, and an industry friend. My boyfriend reminded me that this was the same role that I had put so much work into, got a SAFTA for, and that I was getting an opportunity to revisit. He advised me to approach the job with a sense of joy, gratitude, and peace, to have fun with it, and not put too much pressure on myself. Actors tend to be too harsh on themselves, and the pressure is even greater now with social media. I wasn’t fully aware of the viewers’ excitement. I think I suffer from a serious case of Imposter Syndrome (a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist
despite evident success), and was worried about how people would react. Now that the episodes have gone on air, I realise that viewers are genuinely thrilled to see Thembeka back on their screens. I’m constantly reminding myself to have fun and not worry so much about being perfect or what people will say. We’re here on earth for a limited period of time, and the self-imposed anxiety that I sometimes put myself through is unneeded and unnecessary. Sometimes I’m my own worst enemy, and I’m working on stopping that.
I’VE BEEN SEIZING OPPORTUNITIES MY ENTIRE LIFE. In 2010, I completed my BA Honours Degree in Dramatic Arts at Wits University. Every year, they had a student showcasing and would invite industry professionals to watch us perform. In my final year, Theo Landey, who was the lead on Scandal, invited Michelle Burger (the show’s production manager at that time). I subsequently got a call from her, asking me to visit their set. All my schooling life, we were told about how much we’d struggle finding work after school. I went to the Scandal set not knowing what to expect, other than getting shown everything I was missing out on. I got there, and was told that they’d like to make me an offer. I was elated, thinking that was finally my big moment, only to realise that I’d be a featured extra for the next two years. What that meant was that I didn’t have an established role at all, and certainly very minimal dialogue. However, I was given an opportunity, so I treated it as though my life depended on it. I was the best featured extra that they’d ever seen [chuckles]!
TAKING RISKS WAS SOMETHING I HAD TO DO. Most actors go through some of life’s harshest realities before finding work, even with the highest university marks. I had never experienced life outside of a safe environment. I’d been comfortable for a long time at Scandal when I decided that it was time to leave, with no back-up plan to cushion me. I travelled the world doing theatre, climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, and did a lot of exciting things. It was quite an adventure, which wasn’t always pleasant. I appreciate the privilege of being able to always make a choice. But in making that choice, it means that you accept the resulting consequences too, whether good or bad; and understanding the responsibility that comes with the ability to choose.
Leaving Scandal when I did was scary. I went through some tough times as I didn’t always have the comfort of a monthly salary, but I was also able to go out there and do other shows like The Republic, Housekeepers, Harvest and The River.
I constantly seek adventure, and that can be a positive and a negative. Positive in that
I’m curious, and that curiosity leads me to the next adventure, and negative in that I get bored easily because my itch for the next adventure is always yearning to be scratched. I sometimes don’t have the patience to sit through difficult situations and things.
MY MOM’S TEACHINGS ALWAYS REMAIN TOP OF MIND. My mom, who has always been my biggest cheerleader actively instilled a sense of resilience in all her children. She’s largely responsible for the person I am because she encouraged us to do exactly what we want to do and to chase after our dreams. That’s why, to this day, no matter how scared I am, I’m reminded of how strong and die-hard she is.
IHAVE FINALLY BECOME CONFIDENT IN CALLING MYSELF AN ACTOR. God didn’t give me this gift for me to be complacent. I don’t know that I’m good. I remember interacting with the late Bra Hugh Masekela when I was doing plays at The Market Theatre. He’d be doing scales with his trumpet, and I was curious about why he felt the need to still do that when he was a bona fide legend.
He said he did that because he hoped that one day, he would be better than he was. Here was a man that you could never fault talent-wise, yet he was so humble about his gift. I feel that knowing that you’re good and untouchable breeds complacency. If there’s no pursuit of that passion and hunger for excellence, you become unteachable and complacent. I’m now comfortable with calling myself an actor — although it’s taken me 10 years to do so.
BEING VALIDATED BY EXTERNAL ACHIEVEMENTS NO LONGER SERVES ME. I’d been nominated a few times for the SAFTAs, and I hadn’t won. The one year, I had gone with my mom, who had sacrificed so much for me when she didn’t have much herself. It reminded me of the times when she’d hire a car and have me taken to the Opera House just so I could make it on time for rehearsals. She’d come all the way from Port Elizabeth to support me, and then I didn’t win. So in 2015, dressed in a red Sylvester Falata number, I went with my then-partner, and mind you we were not in a great space.
When my name was announced, there was a split-second when I didn’t hear it because I wasn’t sure if they’d really called my name. I remember walking up, and for the first time feeling seen and validated. I even said that in my acceptance speech, thanking them for giving me the chance to be seen, heard, and bearing witness to my work and existence.
It showed me that I hadn’t been working and acting in a vacuum. It’s all good and well to act and rehearse in your own space, but acting, like food and love, is best enjoyed when it’s shared. I remember sitting in the same room with so many people that I loved and admired, and finally feeling accepted by everyone who mattered.
In hindsight, now that I’m older and have gone through the inner work that I’ve done, an award shouldn’t have validated me. I should’ve known way before then that I was more than enough, and that nothing outward could complete me unless I was whole on the inside.
IWAS READY TO TEACH, NOT KNOWING THAT I STILL HAD SO MUCH TO LEARN. There came a point in my life after leaving Scandal where I felt very lost — as though something was missing. I wasn’t satisfied, and I couldn’t figure out why and how I had arrived at that place. It was then that I decided to get braces, and apply for a lecturing job. It was a deliberate move because I didn’t want to be accessible to the industry.
This work, as much as we love it, is like a very jealous lover who often just takes and takes. And if you don’t have mechanisms, or people around you to help you fill your cup, you can become incredibly resentful and jaded — hating and resisting any change that’s introduced in the space.
Of course, you don’t need me to tell you about the injustices and the lawlessness our industry reeks of. But besides that, I was just tired, and needed to do something different. I needed to give, and that happened through sharing the knowledge that I had acquired over the years.
The students weren’t always particularly kind to me, and that was a humbling experience. But watching those young men and women grow — the future industry stars — was incredibly fulfilling. Humility, respect for the work and craft was the order of the day —and my students expected much from me, in the same the way that I expected a lot from them. In the process of teaching, I learnt a lot about myself.
I realised that I was a very harsh and blunt person, which has never been my intention, but interacting with students was a mirror.
KNOWING THE ANSWERS TO ‘WHY’ HAS MADE ME RESILIENT. I used to tell my students that if they don’t have a “why”, or if they can’t answer why they’re doing this work, then they must drop it. Sometimes that’s the very same thing that’s going to keep you afloat when the going gets tough. I remember seeing my students, and remembering where I came from, the young girl who took the yellow Roadlink Bus from Port Elizabeth and came all the way to Joburg to begin the journey of making her dreams come true. I remembered that girl’s courage, her fearlessness, and how what I was about to do had been my lifelong dream. After getting that degree a few years later, and then not getting the job of my dreams was a bit of a mindf**k. You need resilience to make it during such times. It was the response to my ‘whys’ that reminded me of the dream I had when I was eight years old — when I first saw Pamela Nomvete on my TV screen. There were many times and many reasons to give up, but I had to remember why I did this in the first place. Now that I’m older, I’m trying to get back the fearlessness I once had as a child. There’s the saying that “youth is wasted on the young”, and that’s absolutely true.
I’M REALISING THAT OUR JOURNEYS ARE VERY DIFFERENT. I can’t begrudge people’s journeys just because I went to school and studied for acting, while others stumbled across it by chance. My mother is a middle-class woman who was able to hustle and get me to varsity. But, not everyone has that. Some people can’t afford to even get money for transport. So although I have an education, I can’t use that privilege as a gatekeeper to people accessing the industry. The industry has changed a lot, and I myself have had to adapt to that change. Technology has disrupted the way we do things, like it has done with every other industry. We’ve all had to make adjustments in how talent is discovered. That said, aspiring actors need to understand that this work is so much bigger than being famous. That can’t be your only reason for wanting to do this, because fame is fleeting. Once you’ve been chosen for the task, you need to rise to the occasion and empower yourself — and know what to do when standing opposite people who’ve been doing this all their lives.
LOVING MYSELF BEFORE WANTING TO BE LOVED HAS OPENED MY EYES TO A LOT. My last relationship (before this one) was the Mount Kilimanjaro of all the bad relationships I’d ever been in. From a young age, I had gotten into codependent relationships where I felt I had to prove myself, and prove that I was good enough to be loved. I think that stems from my childhood, and the very difficult and complicated relationship I had with my dad, who for most girls, is the first love of their lives. That co-dependency translated into many areas of my life, and when I became aware of it, I sought therapy so I could heal myself. How I was going about living my life was unsustainable — I kept attracting narcissists.
My new relationship is very different.
My current boyfriend and I met 10 years ago, but we only started dating recently because I’m in a great space and the relationship is symbiotic.
This relationship feels right because I’m in the right space to give and receive love. I’ve done the work I needed to do inside so I could cope better on the outside. I’m grateful for the bad relationship that I had.
If he hadn’t put me through hell, I would’ve continued on a downward spiral of self-hate, lack of self-worth, and constantly looking for an external locus of affirmation and confirmation of my existence.
Therapy has made me realise so many things. The black community needs to dispel the myth that therapy is for white people only, and that we as black people know how to deal with things, because we’re made to be tough. Therapy is like the fairy tale of Hansel and Gretel who walked around leaving breadcrumbs.
For me, therapy is the breadcrumbs I’ve left for myself to be able to return to my normal self.
Without therapy, I wouldn’t even have realised that my character Thembeka is co-dependent on the people she’s with. It was very telling of her to go back to the man that abused her for so long, lied, cheated on and triangulated her. That mirrored a relationship I was once in, but I only recognised it when
I was out of it. I cannot stress enough how important therapy
is, and I’m going to use my platform to talk about its importance. We all see flames, and there’s nothing wrong with getting help.
BEING LOVED INTENTIONALLY AND DELIBERATELY IS TEACHING ME TO BE FULLY PRESENT. In the beginning of my new relationship, a lot of people discouraged me from putting up his photos on social media. They said it was too soon and that I’d jinx the relationship. For the first time, I wasn’t afraid because I was doing what felt right at that moment. I was happy right then, and that’s what matters.
If it should end tomorrow, it would make me very sad, but I would have loved with my whole heart, and that’s what matters. In singer Nakhane Touré’s words, ‘You Will Not Die’.