SCHEDULING SEXY TIME

Is it a passion killer or booster — that’s the question?

The ‘Babe, let’s talk about sex’ conversation remains a daunting one for many of us. Because, why would babe want us to have this talk? Am I not pleasuring him enough? Wait! Am I even pleasuring him? Truth be told, the ‘serious sex talk’ is still one of the hardest conversations for many couples to have. But according to social dating and pleasure coach, Makabelo Motaung, it’s still very necessary especially with the busy lives we lead that leave us drained emotionally and physically – with sex not even making it onto our to-do list.

“We get caught up in the world of adulting. A world of being parents and employees, leaves no room for many of us to sneak in a moment of pleasure with the partner,” Motaung explains. “Our energy gets depleted from all our different daily personas and we quickly find ourselves being accustomed to not having sex. An abnormal sex life has become the new normal in many relationships.”

And this, according to Motaung, should never be the case because sex remains vital in relationships. It keeps us excited about one another, as well as increases our level of commitment to each other and our emotional connection.

WHY THE NEED FOR SCHEDULING

The term ‘scheduled sex’ sounds a lot like a contractual agreement. An obligation that can somehow be decoded as yet another chore scribbled on your fridge magnet’s to-do list, just below the ‘Pick up Thato from soccer practice on Wednesdays at 4 pm’ note and a little above the ‘Friday is garbage collection day’ reminder. Systematically listed from the most important to the least significant task, many of us could view this as a real passion killer. However, for 35-year-old mother of three, Bongi Mvelase*, scheduled sex has been one of the best ‘chores’ added onto her household task list. “Between running my business, chaperoning the boys to and from their school and sporting activities, as well as my husband’s hectic work schedule – sex was soon put on the

bench. Being put back into our life game as and when there was a gap, sex was a feature that started getting less and less play time as we got more absorbed in the adulting league. Sex soon became a myth for us, and I realised that the little or no sexual occurrences left both of us sexually deprived and hubby crankier than usual,” Mvelase says. “This was when I suggested that we explore scheduling sex into our weekly diaries to ensure that we actually do connect sexually even if it’s just once a week.” She adds that this proposal was first met with a bit of reluctance, but hubby soon warmed up to the idea. “And seven years on, our decision to schedule sex continues to keep us alive, connected and sexually fed.”

AVOID THE RUT AND MAKE IT INTERESTING

In an article titled, I’m a Sex Coach, and I Swear By Scheduling Sex in Relationships, feminist writer and sex coach, Gigi Engle, says she often hears about how difficult it is to make time for intimacy. “This is why I swear by scheduling sex in relationships and actually sitting down with your partner and plotting sex dates into your calendar,” Engle explains.

Motaung agrees that couples need to commit to a day where they’re both less stressed about work-life responsibilities. But she also cautions that “scheduled” should never translate to mundane, because once the deed becomes just a tick box activity on your to-do list, it will become a passion killer. “The script needs to change. Yes, stick to the committed date with the same cast but find different storylines to avoid it being just another status meeting notification that pops up in your calendar every week.”

Flipping the script is what keeps this sexual pattern exciting for the Mvelases. “We’ve set ourselves a target, sex twice or three times a week, without compromise, with Monday being our no-play day,” Mvelase explains. “I must be honest, at times, it does feel like a chore. But we ensure that we keep it interesting by introducing different intimacy techniques each time. This way, we know that we will both reach our weekly sexual high.”

Engle further explains that the unknown helps build long-lasting sexual excitement and couples exploring the art of scheduled sex need to capitalise on this. “Think of different sexual exploration, like an intriguing sex position or pick up some new underwear for the occasion. This way, your partner will get to see your newly acquired interest and engage in your fantasy.”

Don’t get stuck on the boring just because it has to be done, Motaung advises. “Get naughty. Whisper sweet dirty nothings to each other and if the moment allows, take the excitement back to your early years of dating when, jokingly gossiping about the world outside of your love nest, used to get the two of you excited and feeling like high school gossip mongers.”

WHERE DO YOU START?

“Everything works better in a relationship when there’s good communication,” Motaung says. Simply sit your partner down, be transparent and say, “Baby, I feel that lately we hardly have sex. How about we schedule it into our diaries? This way I can make sure I take care of your sexual needs and that mine are also met.’’ This honest approach should highlight the key benefits for you as individuals and as a couple, which include:

Both partners being sexually fulfilled without compromising their household and professional duties.

Because, according to Mvelase, now that sex is scheduled to happen at a specific moment, agreed upon by the two of you, work pressures should no longer be a default excuse.

Eliminating the intimacy guilt.

“With kids, it becomes a bit tricky to have sex on the whim, especially in more intimate living spaces. Privacy becomes an issue,” Motaung adds. “So scheduled sex can allow you to work around your kids’ routine, explore times where you’re home alone or different locations outside your home that will eliminate both the guilt of not being intimate enough with your partner and the worry of being caught in the act by your little ones.”

Creating anticipatory excitement.

“It creates a sense of excitement into your routine allowing for a new sexual terrain to be explored,” Engle says. While both Engle and Motaung swear by this sexual tactic, they admit that it may not work for everyone, but it’s worth exploring. “Explore different routes, role play, reintroduce monthly date nights, which may lead to a night of pleasure,” Motaung suggests. “The trick is to not give up on your sexual life, but to try and explore various ideas until you discover your new sexual rhythm. We always schedule the things that are most important to us. So sex should not be any different.”

*Not her real name