THE BEKEZELA BRIGADE

With the rising scourge of femicide in South Africa, is it still worth it to ‘bekezela’ in a relationship or marriage at the expense of your well-being?

In 2020 and with the exorbitant rate of femicide in South Africa, isn’t it time to challenge a phrase like ‘Mosadi o tshwara thipa ka bohaleng’ (a woman holds a knife by its sharp end)? This implies that the strength of a woman is to endure any form of emotional and physical abuse. But, did you know that a woman is murdered every three hours, according to a 2018 Crime Against Women in South Africa Report? And this, according to the World Health Organisation, is more than five times higher than the global average.

Whether we blame this on social constructs or patriarchy, it seems enduring hardships contributes to the never-ending cycle of abuse and even femicide. Society still treats women unfairly, socially, politically and economically, so how can this then not extend to the home?

Many campaigns such as #TimesUp, #MeToo and #AmINext have resulted from the violence perpetrated against women, especially by their intimate partners. Leighandre ‘Baby Lee’ Jegels, Reeva Steenkamp, Zolile Khumalo and Karabo Mokoena are but a few cases of the reality of the intimate violence many women endure. When it comes to lasting relationships, ukubekezela is required, but where should one draw the line?

LET’S TAKE IT BACK

According to sahistory.org.za, South Africa is conventionally patriarchal. In other words, men have always had authority, and women are seen as subordinates to men. As a result, a woman’s role was primarily a domestic one. Today, even with the rise of women empowerment, career-wise and financially, a lot of women are often seen as subordinates in the home, where they’re expected to leave their office leadership roles at the door.

Such social constructs create a culture of superiority of men over women, a sentiment shared by a widowed 54-yearold Lindiwe Nodada from Johannesburg. Lindiwe was married for 30 years to her abusive late husband, who died in 2018. “We lived in a different era where you had no choice as a wife but to bekezela. Your family put a lot of pressure on you to find a husband, whether you were ready or not. The painful part was that your family presented a kist on your wedding day, which represented a coffin. This meant nothing but death would make you leave your marriage. My family told me they would not accept me back home after I got married because I was now a woman who had to build her own home and a family. It was hard enduring the nonsense my husband put me through, but I had nowhere to go. Reporting abuse to the police proved fruitless as they would tell me this was a domestic issue that my husband and I had to fix.

“I was shocked at one stage, years ago, when my partner told me that he owned me because he paid lobola for me and married me so he could do whatever he wanted with me. It hurt knowing that I was his property. What’s worse was that I wasn’t even allowed to work and earn an income, so I depended on him financially as well. I’m not disregarding our African culture, but there are certain things that need to change – like men thinking that they own women because they paid lobola. Society should stop telling women to bekezela in toxic relationships. Families of abusers should stop blaming the woman for the man’s behaviour. No amount of anger gives any man the right to beat up, rape or kill his wife. I’m happy that women are empowered today and given platforms to voice their concerns, but men should also be taught how to respect women. If I had it my way back then, I would have left for my well-being and that of my kids — no matter how much I loved my husband, ,” Nodada says.

Anele Siswana, clinical psychologist, adds, “Women partly stay in toxic relationships because of abantu bazothini (what will people say if I opt out). It’s predominantly encouraged by parents of married women. Also, the superwoman mentality that suggests one can deal with the abuse and toxicity of the relationship also makes women to bekezela.”

THE DANGERS OF UKUBEKEZELA Clinical psychologist Mzamo Mbuli says enduring abuse leads to depression and anxiety. Women who are abused tend to be abusive as well, especially towards their children, or they become so focused on their children and forget to live for themselves. Also, they become misandrist, where they despise men.

WHY WE CAN’T BLINDLY PERSEVERE ANYMORE?

The reason is that there are high chances of being killed by your partner. You just have to look at the femicide cases that we have in the country to see where abuse leads to, says Mbuli, who warns that blindly persevering might lead to ‘battered woman syndrome’, which is learned helplessness that causes a woman to believe she deserves the abuse and that she can’t get away from it. “The danger to this is that it often leads to the victim killing their partner,” he says.

UKUBEKEZELA VS NOT GIVING UP ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP Siswana says there’s healthy and unhealthy perseverance. “Healthy perseverance acknowledges that there are concerns in the relationship that are addressed and resolved by both partners. However, the idea of clinging and holding on in abusive relationships is possibly caused by denial and the idea of losing the relationship one has invested in. One can see when a relationship is not working, but our innate human nature makes us believe that we can persevere and strive, despite the problems that exist in the relationship. The bad side of persevering in a toxic relationship is that one continues the cycle of assuming a victim position,” Siswana says.

Mbuli also adds that it’s also not healthy when your relationship or marriage becomes more important than your own life and well-being, especially when you’re mistreated by your partner.

BETTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW?

Is he really better? Siswana says that being with the devil you know blinds you to the fact that there are patterns that will never change. “Yes, you may know the devil, but if the devil is not ready to work on the challenges in the relationship, chances are you will be alone in the quest of the change you want to bring. What you’re familiar with may not necessarily be good for you.”