COPARENTING WITH FRIENDS

Tyler Perry’s showed us the potential in single moms banding together to share parenting duties while creating a strong support system for one another

In reality, moms have experienced different scenarios that could be included under the elective coparenting or platonic parenting trend, although less formalised. Chances are, many moms have been co-parenting with their girls without even being aware of it.

Thando Ziqhu and Thulie Mahlangu have been friends for 12 years. They met as roommates in 2007 and believe this foundation is a strong catalyst for how they co-parent seamlessly. Thando has an autistic eight-year-old son and a six-year-old daughter; and Thulie has a six-year-old daughter.

“We understand that we’re completely different people. I think our strengths and weaknesses complement each other and create a balance in how we co-parent,” Thando says.

“We didn’t formalise the coparenting. It happened effortlessly when I moved to Thando’s area in Silverton from Centurion in Gauteng. I couldn’t find a good school for my daughter in my area and Thando had found a good school that I liked. She was also going through a divorce, so I moved closer to give her support. Before that, she and her kids were at my house every weekend anyway. The girls go to the same school and have the same driver. The nannies are sisters — that’s my favourite part,” Thulie shares.

“The girls are in the same grade. If there are events I can’t make, Thulie goes as mommy for both kids,” Thando says. “My son’s autism is something that we constantly have to discuss. I have to make Thulie understand that she’s co-parenting an autistic kid.”

“What helps is that Thando lets me treat her son how I see fit because she understands that whatever I do or say comes from a good and informed place. Mina ke, ngiya chikana. There could never be a naughty kid in my house. I’m strict, but the kids still love coming to my house,” Thulie says. “We respect each other’s parenting styles. In front of the kids, whatever a parent says goes, and if we’re not happy about it between the two of us, then we discuss it alone,” Thando says.

“We usually let the kids resolve their own issues. We intervened once when I noticed that Thando’s daughter, who talks fast and is very expressive, was finishing my daughter’s sentences. My daughter speaks very slowly. I told Thando about it first, who then addressed it with her daughter, that she needs to pause and let my daughter get used to expressing herself,” says Thulie.

“What’s really nice is that when it’s Thando’s baby daddy’s turn to be with his children, he often takes my daughter along. He takes all the kids.

the way to define the parameters of the relationships for all involved and how they may be impacted by certain changes,” Shaik Omar explains.

COMMUNICATION Co-parenting requires constant communication.

Shaik Omar says co-parents need to listen non-judgmentally to each other and hold any reservations until the end of the conversation. “It’s important to communicate one’s opinions, beliefs, rituals and culture as openly as possible, so you can devise a parenting plan that is respectful of the other parent’s wishes, considerate of their culture, and that consists of compromises,” she says.

Communication extends to the kids as well.

“Depending on the kind of the relationship you and your child have with the other family, it might be necessary for you to sit your child down to ask them of their opinion of the arrangement,” Ndala-Magoro says.

“Children should be given a chance to respond, ask questions and voice their fears or concerns. This discussion should then be had with all family members, explaining what the new arrangement will entail,” Shaik Omar adds. “Checking in on the children can be done until the parent sees that their child has assimilated the new family into their lives.”