Parenting – When Your Child Is The Bully

Addressing your child’s behaviour is the first step towards finding a solution to bullying

Both the bully and bullied child need attention. With the bullied child being two to nine times more likely to consider suicide, it is imperative to offer help and support. But, if your child turns out to be the bully, it is equally important to find out their reasons, and address the behaviour. While you may feel shocked or ashamed, this is not the time to go into denial. Yes, you may see your child’s behaviour as a reflection of your parenting style, but this is not always the case. Here is a different way of approaching the problem:

EXAMINE YOUR HOME ENVIRONMENT

The home plays a vital role in how a child interacts with their world, views themselves, and in learning socially-appropriate behaviour, says Mahlatse Diale, a social worker from the Johannesburg Parent and Child Counselling Centre.

“If you don’t invest time or attention, they might feel worthless and seek attention elsewhere, or by other means. The kind of boundaries in place, as well as the positive or negative language that is used in the home, can also be a factor. Does your child feel encouraged? Does he talk about his feelings, and are you teaching them the value of empathy in the home? Also very important is how parents treat each other. Constant fights can have an impact. If children feel angry, anxious or worried about their parents, they may become aggressive towards others,” Diale adds.

On the other hand, children are individuals with their own personalities and feelings, says counselling psychologist Reabetsoe Buys (www.shrinkmama.co.za). “Developmentally, children experience different things at different stages of their lives. These can affect their behaviour and how they relate to others. Bullying could highlight difficulties such as poor performance in school, seeking the approval of peers or poor self-esteem,” Buys explains.

In other instances, a child may appear naturally assertive and impulsive, says clinical psychologist Nompumelelo Prudence Kubeka

(www.npkclinicalpsychologist.co.za). “Your child might see the behaviour of other kids as hostile, even if it isn’t. And, a bully could act out to protect themselves,” she adds.

“When parents go into denial about their child’s bullying, it’s sometimes because they don’t have the capacity to look at themselves. They know that they are the cause of the bullying, and are ashamed that it’s been exposed through their child’s behaviour. They can’t own up to it,” she continues. Making excuses or being defensive leaves no room for learning. The bullying could continue, leading to more serious offenses and consequences in the future.

UNCOVERING EMOTIONS BEHIND BULLYING

According to Diale, if a child does not speak freely about their emotions at home, it is generally because they’ve lacked the platform to do so from a young age. “Bottling up those feelings may cause them to be aggressive towards others,” she warns. So, creating space for communication is vital.

“We parent the way we were parented. So, if your parents didn’t communicate much, you’ll also find it difficult to communicate with your child,” Kubeka points out.

But, it’s never too late to learn. Additionally, there’s no shame in bringing in a social worker or psychologist to help. Most times it is necessary.

“Connect with children on their level by approaching them in a calm, non-judgemental way, and learn how to speak about what they think and feel without invalidating or trying to change them,” Buys advises.

Kubeka suggests that you talk them through what happened. “Instead of scolding, say: ‘The school called me and said that you have been involved in bullying. I would like to hear your side of the story. What happened?’” She advises that both the parents of the bully and bullied child work with the school to resolve the matter. “Meet with the school first, and bring the kids in later. This helps to contain the matter. It also models how to resolve matters without violence.”

UNLEARNING BULLYING

If dealt with appropriately, bullying can be unlearnt. “Acknowledge the behaviour – try and understand why the bullying child behaved in a certain way. Listen and avoid criticising or blaming so that they feel safe to share more. “Explore their behaviour by asking questions such as, ‘Do you think that what you did hurt someone?’ Then, help them understand the consequences of their actions, and that negative behaviour leads to being disciplined. Also help your child think about what it would feel like to be on the receiving end. Ask them to write a letter to the other child in order to understand the impact of their choices,” Buys concludes. ■