Relationship – Dating A Woman With Children
We asked a few guys to share their stance on dating women with children, and found this: It takes commendable maturity, and allowing love to reign supreme, to make it work!
Ionce overheard a friend’s acquaintance wax lyrical about how he would never date a woman with kids. In his very outdated opinion, a woman was supposed to be a pure and untouched commodity. In this same conversation, it emerged that he had two kids with different women — both of whom he’d broken up with. What I found startling was how he felt entitled to only court women with no children — I suppose to minimise the amount of drama in his life by getting her to walk into a ready-made family. To stop myself from believing that there is no room for baby mamas in the dating world, I suddenly remembered attending a wedding where both the bride and groom had kids from previous relationships — bringing their total brood to five. Right after the adults had exchanged vows, the children also took to the altar promising to respect their parents, contribute to growing their modern-day family and completely embrace their new siblings. We scoured the streets of Mzansi for men’s opinions on whether they would date women with children, and this is what we found:
*Nqoba Phiri, 45, creative consultant: “The heart wants what it wants, and if you really love someone, it shouldn’t matter if they have kids. Realistically speaking, at our age, do we expect to meet and date people with no kids? I also believe that if we still lived in a time where we still upheld the “a-child-is-raised-by-a-village” principle, then raising another man’s child as your own wouldn’t be an issue. Alas, we live in times where selfishness supercedes all else in importance.”
Thabo Sethole, 34, aviation specialist:
“I believe that kids are a blessing, and for that reason, dating someone with kids is not a biggie — perhaps because my mother was very young when she had me. Each time she’s dated since then, I came as part of the package in her relationships, and I’m grateful that her love life didn’t become all doom and gloom because she had a child. I think back to how cool my stepfather was with me, and I’m grateful to have had such a positive role model. Through his actions, he taught me that love is communal, pure and unconditional.” Andrew Makgoka, 33, account director:
“It all depends on how old the children are. If they are in their teens, then they will know from the word go that I’m their stepdad. I feel that dating someone with a child as young as two years old has the potential of causing complications later in life when they need to be told that I’m not their biological father.” Ntate Mohlolo, 45, financial manager:
“I only prefer dating women with kids because I’m also a father. I find them accommodative when negotiating quality time, patience and children’s emotional needs. I personally don’t trust people with no kids — it almost feels as though you’re burdening them by forcing them to walk into an established family.”
*Thabo Nkosi, 43, entrepreneur: “I know for certain that I don’t have it within me to date someone with children. I’m too set in my stereotypical belief of wanting children who will carry my surname and bloodline. I can be selfish when it comes to what I want, and don’t see myself going all out for another man’s child.”
Modiela Ntoi, 40, accountant: “School fees per child costs approximately R7 000 per month, and as a man, you have to inherit some of these expenses. You may also have your own children to tend to. I would settle with someone with one child. Two or more may push costs through the roof, and leave me bitter. It’s also sad that no matter the magnitude of your contribution — emotionally and financially — you will still be labelled an evil stepfather behind closed doors. And, when those very kids are angry, you’ll be compared with their real dad, and in worst cases be told, ‘You’re not my dad’.”
Shawn Mmutle, 39, educator: “I am living testimony that dating a woman with children is possible. My stepfather, whom I prefer calling ‘papa’ — married my mom when I was only five years old. He was extremely patient in winning me over and when I finally let him in, he assured me that he was in it for the long haul. Over the years, papa has been a man of his word. When I attended my absent father’s funeral last year, I felt no ounce of emotion because I lacked nothing where fatherly love was concerned. We need to honestly allow love to do its thing — to unite, heal and restore. So, would I date someone with kids? Definitely — it would be the greatest sign of gratitude to my dad.”
Legae Zungu, 34, retail-manager: “I tried, and things were going well, but I found that the conflict was internal. I had a problem with entertaining another man’s children while mine were with their mother and not in my company at all times.” Jane Mkhize, 37, self-employed:
“Personally, I would. I’ll even treat them as my own so long as the children are also comfortable with me dating their mother, and the baby daddy drama is managed well by the adults involved. I’m also open to having a one-on-one with the father if he’s still in the picture, so he can rest assured that his children are being raised by a noble man. We are too old to beef about lost love, and being jealous about our exes having moved on.” *Not their real names