Parenting – Stepmother Woes

was never broody. I knew from an early age that I didn’t want to become a mother. This decision cost me relationships and even marriage proposals, but I stuck by it. So, when I met and told my current partner five years ago, he was surprised by the news. I was also surprised that Jabu respected my choice, and was willing to stay. When he told me that he had two daughters from two ex-girlfriends, I wasn’t comfortable. But, I chose to stay to see where the relationship would lead us,” says Mmabatho Tau*, 36, from Johannesburg. “It took a while for me to meet Jabu’s kids, mainly because I wasn’t ready and didn’t know how to deal with the baby mamas. At the time, they were three and five years old. When I eventually met them, I was anxious because I didn’t know what to expect. But, I grew to like them. Since my partner and I live together, I get to be a ‘stepmom’ for a weekend or during school holidays when they visit. I don’t

put myself under any pressure to be perfect or force myself on them. They know that I am daddy’s girlfriend, and Jabu always ensures that we respect boundaries and try to get along. I also love that they respect me as much as I respect them,” she continues.

ARE ALL STEPMOTHERS CRUEL?

Tau’s story might sound like a plot from a romantic movie, but not every stepmom feels the same or finds herself in a favourable situation. Many people are even traumatised by the experiences they had from stepmoms who were blatantly mean. But, contrary to popular belief, not all stepmothers are cruel. In fact, an article published in 2013 in Huffingtonpost. com by psychotherapist Mary T Kelly says many stepmoms admit to being depressed after years of trying to please their partner’s and stepchildren’s feelings, often neglecting their own.

“If they don’t love their stepchildren ‘as their own’, they feel guilty and evil themselves, despite the fact that loving another human being isn’t about consent or determination,” she says. Joburg-based psychologist Dr Anathi Ntozini agrees, saying, “Parenting can be a daunting task, and parenting another person’s child is even more overwhelming. If you get in a relationship with a partner that already has a child, you must discuss the role you should play in their lives.” This seems easier said than done. Boniswa Dladla, transformation coach at Ananda Coaching, adds that a woman’s ability to love and nourish is considered to be natural and expected by society. “The pressure to love a child like your ‘own’ cannot be disregarded when entering into a co-parenting relationship. This expectation puts unnecessary pressure on the woman, sometimes even by themselves, to love their partner’s kids as their ‘own’ without support from them and the other parent. Understand your partner’s expectation to ensure that you understand your role in the context of your relationship.”

ENTER A LOVE CHILD

Finding out that your partner cheated on you is hard enough. Imagine then when he impregnates the other woman? Mpumi Mshengu* (41) knows this all too well. She admits that she hated not only the other woman, but the child, too. “I was hurt when I found out that my partner of eight years had impregnated another woman. I had a son with him, and so did all I could to make our relationship work. I walked out on him, but took him back months later. It took a while to forgive him, and him mentioning his child didn’t make things easy. I gave him the condition that I didn’t want to hear about his child or baby mama. It’s been three years since we worked things out, and accepting his child hasn’t been easy. But, I had to. As a mother, I wouldn’t want another woman to mistreat my child because of resentment or any other reason. I don’t necessarily parent my partner’s son, but I don’t guilt-trip him every time he has to honour his responsibilities,” she says.

Dladla says you don’t have to parent the child if you don’t want to, as this creates the resentment.

“That child has their own mother and father. You always have a choice when betrayed to not subject yourself to the result of the betrayal. Feeling the need to parent or being forced to, without dealing with the pain and betrayal, will lead to emotional wounds. The outlet of that pain might be through the bad treatment of the child, which is not right. Healing first is important.”

Dr Ntozini adds that if you constantly have evil thoughts about the stepchild, you should seek professional help. “You need to unearth these thoughts in an honest and open way.” Dladla mentions that you need to remind yourself that this is a child, and your own could be in the same situation in the future.

THE STEPMOM CODE

Motherhood does not come with a manual, hence it’s unfair to expect especially stepmothers to be perfect. But, this is not an excuse to mistreat or abuse your partner’s kids.

Dr Ntozini says, “A mistake most step-parents make is not easing their way into the children’s life. Kids are very sensitive to vibes and can easily pick up pretence. Don’t rush this process as the relationship must build over time; give the kids an opportunity to trust you.”

But, some kids can be deliberately disrespectful to their step-parents. What then? Dladla says the child might already have their guard up, having to acclimatise to the new person in their father’s life. Also, they might not be getting positive influence from their mom. “As a couple, agree on the corrective action needed to set precedence for other arising challenges. This creates a united approach towards upholding rules in the household. Your personal boundaries about what is acceptable to you to all parties involved ensures your peace in your own home.”

Is it, then, possible to love your partner and not their child?

Dladla says the ability to love should be natural to all human beings. “Any child deserves to be loved, cared for and protected, and nourished emotionally and physically to grow to be functional members of society. Loving you partner with no capacity to love their child is not possible based on their existence only. The underlying maturity of adults involved will lead to make your relationship either easier or harder. With unresolved conflict, not liking your partner’s child is possible. So, as the adult, developing emotional intelligence to show up in your partner’s child is part of the relationship.”

*Not their real name