Sex – Sleepwear Diaries
Sex. We’re either thinking about it, having it or lamenting its absence. Despite what society will have us think, women are just as sexual as men. “It is our human right, and in our DNA to want to express ourselves sexually,” says OBGynae-Sexologist
Dr Mpume Zenda. After all, the survival of our species depends on us engaging in the deed. Not only are we driven by our mammalian instinct to procreate, but it also feels really good and has a number of health benefits.
According to Medical News Today, some of the benefits include “preserving heart health in some people, reducing blood pressure and boosting immunity”. Whether you are in a long-term relationship or situationship, everyone can benefit from the stress relief.
“Clothes make the man” (or woman), or so the saying goes. But, does the same ring true for what you wear in the bedroom – or kitchen and lounge – if you are a little more adventurous? Will wearing nothing to bed make your man salivate or does the engine stall when he finds you with an old T-shirt and a stocking full of holes on your head? These are the questions that many women often ask themselves when they get ready to do the horizontal tango.
There are long-standing notions about what the presence or absence of different clothing items mean when it comes to engaging in sexy time.
“It can certainly send messages to your partner about what you’re interested in doing in bed. If you are going to bed fully made-up, in lingerie and a pair of handcuffs, that is a very different message to a onesie with rabbit ears
and socks,” says intimacy coach Anne-Marie Clulow. So, what are these messages?
SEXY LINGERIE
When it comes to sexy lingerie, society agrees that this is what men expect in bed. “When we think of a woman in sexy lingerie, they tend to think that she is a wild cat. This is someone who says ‘I love myself; I love my body’,” Tracy Jacobs, a Joburg-based intimacy coach and relationship expert, explains. On the other hand, this kind of woman can be perceived as slutty and someone with low self-esteem, she notes.
When the relationship is still fresh, it is more likely that you want to impress your partner and try to entice him. At this stage, we might not have dropped our social masking.
“It is very rare that you meet someone and they’re instantly fully themselves in front of you, and don’t have any social masking. We wear a mask for quiet a while on what we think we should be in relation to the other person,” Clulow explains.
THAT OLD T-SHIRT AND DOEK
There are times when you are not in the mood to wear something sexy or revealing. Even the foxiest of ladies needs to hang up their G-string and slip into something more comfortable. In those moments, wearing something less fussy might be the order of the day. According to Jacobs, wearing a promotional T-shirt and an old doek could be read in several ways.
“It could mean that you are down to earth, free-spirited and lowmaintenance,” she explains. On the other hand, it could also mean that you’re a slob with a low self-esteem, she says.
“On the one side there is an individual, and you need to be true to yourself before anything. What does looking good look like for you? I would hate for someone to go to bed wearing something uncomfortable because it is purely for another human being. Having said that, let us not be complacent at being accountable to ourselves,” says Dr Zenda.
It is vital that you ask yourself if you’re are showing up as your best self or are going in with the mentality that “uzongithanda (you will love me) the way I am”, she adds.
BIRTHDAY SUIT
Some people completely forgo any clothing, and choose to sleep in the buff. This can be viewed as an invitation since there are no barriers to entry. “This kind of woman is free-spirited; this is a ‘I want it all to hang out’ woman [who is] in touch with her sexuality at all times,” Jacobs says.
The other benefit of wearing nothing is that it makes it easier for your partner to access your pheromones, which makes him want you even more. According to Tshidi Tsimile, founder of Beautiful Vibes Conscious Sexuality, being aware of your menstrual cycle can put you at a big advantage.
“Knowing your cycle helps. When you are ovulating, then your pheromones are stronger, your natural sex smell is stronger and you’re sexy. My best attractant are my pheromones; that’s why I go to bed naked,” she laughs.
YOUR VOICE
A quick survey of men found that what you do or don’t wear might not be as important as you think.
Pedro Grindel, a hot-blooded gentleman, says while lingerie can act as a signal that it’s time to get hot and heavy, other clothes don’t dampen his spirits. “I like whatever makes you comfortable. I mean, these days I sleep in socks, sweats and a T-shirt,” he shares.
Another gentleman, Mike Mashau, seems proud to point out that a T-shirt and doek get his engine revved up. His answer may have been influenced by the fact that I asked him in the presence of his partner, and he probably didn’t want to end up in the dog box.
“The fact is, there are many men who will still look at you with your onesie and no make-up and think, ‘hmm’. My husband gets annoyed with onesies because he says to me, ‘how do I find my way in?’” Clulow laughs.
The truth is, it all begins with how you feel about yourself – confidence is key. Even in everyday life, there are women who look and feel sexy in the highest of heels and others who look absolutely breath-taking in loafers. Ultimately, sex shouldn’t just be a “performance”. The danger of “dressing up” is that it puts you in the performance mindset, Tsimile explains.
“Enticing has to start from within. It has to start from how you move your body even in that big shirt,” she says. Society’s representation of what a sexy woman looks like plays a major role in how we perceive sexiness.
Dr Zenda says it is up to us to question what we know about sensuality, and find out what resonates with us as individuals.
“One of the most fundamental things that we have to do is question our thoughts in the sense that: is this right? Is this really true and is it true for me?” she explains.
This question is particularly important since the onus is always placed on the woman to be the one to entice the man.
“Why are women pushed into the idea that they have to go to Victoria’s Secret in order to entice men, yet there is no Victor’s Secret for guys?” Tsimile asks in conclusion.