Of drinking holes, nail-care and schoolboy excuses

THE PAST few months in South African politics have been unremittingly grim. There’s been no relief, either, from similarly dismal developments abroad.

To be caught between a Trump rock and a Zuma hard place is no fun at all. Blame it, perhaps, on the planets, the cruel whimsy of a world moonstruck by a once-in-78-years supermoon.

Certainly, it is not easy to find rational explanations for some of the bizarre stuff that’s been unfolding locally. Surely, it must be that we are maanbe***?

Take Eskom chief executive Brian Molefe, fingered in the public protector’s report into state capture for enabling business deals to benefit the Gupta family, President Zuma’s controversial cronies.

Molefe initially put up a spirited defence. Flanked by a board equally implicated in state capture, he had a ready explanation for being placed by cellphone records in the vicinity of the Gupta’s Saxonwold compound on numerous occasions.

There was a shebeen in the immediate vicinity, where the locals gathered to quench their thirst, he explained tearfully. He was, however, careful to say that he would neither confirm nor deny ever visiting it.

As for the more than 40 calls in seven months to the Gupta family patriarch, Molefe didn’t even attempt to explain those. Such a lack of imagination on his part is disappointing.

Surely he could think of something? They were exchanging horse-racing tips? They share an interest in orchids?

In the court of public opinion, the shebeen defence tanked. The subsequent public ridicule about the mythical drinking hole achieved what the public protector’s report had not. Molefe resigned within the fortnight.

He said he would consider his next career move. Not so, said the Twitter wags. He already had his new job lined up. He was taking up the position of managing director at the Saxonwold shebeen.

In terms of schoolboy excuses, Molefe’s shebeen joins Zuma’s risible explanation that the statefunded swimming pool at his private home was actually a fire pool, a security necessity. In sophistication, they are barely above the level of “the dog ate my homework”.

That hasn’t discouraged State Security Minister David Mahlobo. At the weekend, Al Jazeera implicated him in a rhino-horn smuggling syndicate.

The undercover Al Jazeera footage shows a local Chinese businessman, Guan Jiang Guang, speaking openly about the ease with which he can procure and smuggle rhino horn, saying that Mahlobo is a regular visitor to his massage parlour in Mbombela, as well as to his home.

He intimates that they are, through Mahlobo’s wife, in the rhino-horn “business” together.

“He is behind the scenes. In South Africa it is very common that the wives are doing business… Officials will never do business in their own names,” Guang says.

He then displays a photograph of himself with Mahlobo, saying: “He came to my massage parlour every week or at least twice a month. I know him very well.”

Mahlobo was quick to issue a denial and attack Al Jazeera for airing them. His spokesperson told Al Jazeera: “The (minister) does not have any relationship with the gentleman and he has never been to his house or received any of his services at his house, as claimed.”

A couple of days later, in the face of opposition calls for Mahlobo to be suspended while the claims were investigated, Mahlobo’s denials became more strident. Guang, the man initially described as a “gentleman” now becomes a “selfconfessed criminal”.

Nor, the statement stresses, does the minister visit massage parlours. He does, however, go to the Mbombela Spa, coincidentally owned by Guang, for “manicures”.

There is also the burden of celebrity, the statement intimates, of constant demands from groupies for selfies. “A number of my comrades, friends and high-profile personalities visit the Mbombela Spa, take photos with Guang’s family and some of his staff. Are these individuals now also involved in the illegal rhino trade?”

That’s a good point, Mr Minister. Maybe the Hawks should try to find out? A speedy litmus test might be to have all Mahlobo’s mates and comrades slap their hands down on the table for a nail inspection.

Meanwhile “going for a manicure at the spa” will join “going for a drink at the Saxonwold shebeen” and “going for a dip in the fire pool”, as valuable contributions to the lexicon of political euphemism, as well as giving long-suffering South Africans a well-deserved laugh. After all, the funniest jokes are the inadvertent ones by dumb politicians.

Twitter @TheJaundiced Eye.