HOUSING SOLUTIONS FOR THOSE IN THEIR GOLDEN YEARS

Set ground rules for all before aged parents move in

ISSUES to be considered around retirement living include retirees’ needs for security and being part of a community.

For many who cannot afford or find a place in a retirement village or estate, their only option is to move in with family, usually adult children and grandchildren.

How such a move will affect families and the challenges it will bring depends on a number of factors, says Zeenat Nieftagodien, a registered counsellor and psychometrist practising in Cape Town.

These include motivation, reasoning, temperaments, age and stage of life, how big the change would be, the parents’ state of health, finances and the relationship with the in-laws.

“This could be a mutually beneficial arrangement if ground rules are set and adhered to. Otherwise, it can become strenuous to the ‘host’ family and cause difficulties.”

These include issues relating to the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren.

It is commonly believed grandparents have the right to spoil grandchildren, but this could become problematic if routines and rules become muddled.

“Routines are essential for children. These should not be changed to fit in with the new living arrangement. Grandparents should respect rules laid out by the parents. They can provide advice and assistance when it’s at the parents’ request. Rules must be set out prior to the new living arrangement.”

Nieftagodien says grandparents should never undermine the parents. Issues relating to space in the home should be discussed and understood beforehand and there should be some restrictions, such as bedrooms. Time-out spaces should be arranged.

“Having to take in your parents may seem like an easy decision, but it can be difficult. When we leave our parents’ home, we have specific things we believe we will change once we have our own spaces and families, so taking your parents in could make you feel a loss of independence.”

However, there are benefits to having elderly parents living at home, including child care, assisting around the house, and transporting grandchildren to activities.

To increase the mutual benefit, ground rules between the adult child and their spouse should also be set. These include:

Do not discuss each other with the elderly parents.

Do not seek refuge in the elderly parents’ accommodation.

Do not allow one spouse to feel like they have a better support structure in place because their parents are living at home.

Adult children should not get too involved in their elderly parents’ affairs.

Although not against such arrangements, Nieftagodien says the implications of such decisions are often overlooked. They include:

How will siblings of the adult children feel?

How will the other grandparents feel?

Would one feel guilty for taking in one family and not the other?

Would your house become open to all because you are assisting some of your parents?