Case study: sick in-law comes to stay

IN 2004, Nina Visser’s elderly mother-in-law moved in with the family, which included Visser, her husband and their two sons.

The decision was made after her mother-in-law, now 82, had a stroke. Visser says putting her husband’s mother in a facility or nursing home was never a consideration, so having her move in with them was the only choice.

“We had a fourth bedroom so it was only necessary for us to close up her house, sort out her belongings and accommodate her and her needs in this room within our home,” Visser says.

Because their Cape Town home is a single- level dwelling, there was not too much the couple needed to do to make it accessible for her.

“There was easy access and no renovations required. We also had a full-time staff member who was on hand to help her when necessary.”

But Visser says there were a few other considerations they should have taken into account.

“We should have considered full- time nursing care as the responsibility of caring for her was time-consuming and an emo- tional strain. We were a young family at the time and our boys needed our attention.

“Also, we are part of an extended family and should have established a fixed routine with the others about her care. I still grapple with the perception that because she lives with us, she is seen as our sole responsibility.”

Daily challenges range from recognising and respecting boundaries to just arranging times for doctor’s appointments, but Visser says she and her husband have learnt to choose their battles.

While some things have been discussed, others are “just not worth the trouble”.

In the early days things were a bit tough as the family was unable to leave her alone, especially at weekends. Because they were her mother-in-law’s only caregivers, Visser says they had to arrange their lives around her.

“We have been abroad over the years, but when at home this still seems to be the norm. Whether she considers our home her home has never been discussed, but I would like to think she feels free in the home.”

Having said this though, good things have come from having her mother-in-law living with them.

“Our sons have experienced living with an elderly person. They have grown into kind and considerate young men, who are helpful and patient with their grandmother despite the demands of their young lives.”

In terms of advice for other families in the same situation, Visser says: “You need to prepare for all the practical possibilities of such an arrangement, but how one deals with the day-to-day emotional issues is what really determines whether it works.”

‘We should have