Modern-day makoti’s battle with tradition

GROWING up in an upper middle-class home in a quiet suburb in the Eastern Cape, Asanda Mpumlwana had her wedding day mapped out.

She knew the type of man she wanted to marry and how their life as a married couple would be. This was a far cry from her mother’s experience as a young bride.

As a young girl, Mpumlwana, 32, had never cared or focused much on the notion of lobolo – “bride price”.

She said, “Somehow I always knew it was a process that one had to go through.

But at the time I never really understood what it meant until I was much older.”

Mpumlwana met her husband on a night out with friends. She was newly single and “not really looking for a love”.

“He asked for my number and I gave it to him with the idea that I would brush him off when he called,” she giggled.

Little did she know the random stranger would become her husband. A year later she was pregnant and they were engaged.

“Then I had to meet the parents, I was petrified, afraid of how they would receive me. Here I was this well-educated girl from the ’burbs, all knocked up and engaged to a man before I had even met his family.

“But they surprised me and welcomed me with open arms,” she said.

Shortly after, the couple wed at a courthouse. But Mpumlwana was not prepared for her role as a modern-day makoti.

She said she had to contend with financial woes, outside influences and an unclear indication of her role and duty as a new bride.

“Finances play a big role in a marriage, though it is never really discussed and swept under the rug. It is something that makes or breaks a marriage these days,” she said.

Mpumlwana has been married for less than a year and due to financial difficulties, she and her husband have had to “squat” in her mom’s home as they save money for their own place.

“Accommodation is very expensive and we have three children between us.”

They entered the relationship each with one child, and had a third child together.

Mpumlwana said the best thing about her husband was his loyalty.

“That is something I have never experienced before. He loves me and he provides for me and that is one of the things that made me fall in love with him.”

While Mpumlwana believes in the tradition of lobolo, she questions the high expense.

“The amount paid should not make-or-break of the negotiations. All that should matter is the love of the young couple and uniting the two families.

“But nowadays, material things are used to push up the price and that is just ridiculous.”

Mpumlwana’s story speaks to a generation of modern young couples who are beginning their life together but are battling with conflicted traditions such as an exorbitant lobolo and the traditional roles.

“The role of modern-day makoti has changed, it’s not like the olden days when umakoti was expected to spend time in the homelands with the in-laws.

“We are more career-driven, money-driven and spending large amounts of time with the in-laws is no longer possible,” she said.