Weekend Argus (Saturday Edition)
Progressive brides ‘have lost the sense of unity in the marriages’
MARRIAGE was different for 65-year-old Nozukile Tshaka, who has been married for more than 40 years to her childhood sweetheart, Mhleli Tshaka.
She was only 17, walking down the busy road of NY5 in Gugulethu when the “dashing young man” asked her on a date.
Tshaka told Weekend Argus she had no real concept of the dating world and her only references were her parents and romantic movies. She had never dated before she met her husband and father of her four children.
“The only real discussion with my mother about marriage was after my husband proposed, before that it was not really something that was spoken about,” she explained.
“As a young bride there is so much to expect and that is expected of you. But the most important thing is to understand that you are joining a new family with its rules and regulations. You need to be prepared for any challenges,” said Tshaka.
The couple also did not have much when they married, but “we just wanted to be together all the time, we did not even know what we were getting ourselves into”.
Shortly after the wedding, they lived with the in-laws while she had to undergo the “training period and hand over the responsibility of the son”.
“Mother-in-law will help you to understand her beloved son but it is a process that needs psychological understanding from both sides, it is not a fast process,” she said.
When the pair got married in 1977, lobolo was not determined by a person’s level of education. In many homes it was believed that “a woman’s legacy lies in marriage”.
Tshaka, however, believes that modern-day brides have “lost the sense of unity” in their marriages.
“Young couples are in a rush and they fail to fully comprehend that the vows are a binding contract and when things don’t go their way, they jump ship.”
Tshaka also said lobola financed the wedding celebrations back in the day.
“This is when the two families got together to present their pride and that is very important in the long run because both families learn to respect each other.
“The bride’s family knows that her husband will be able to care and provide for their child.
“My husband understands and loves me, he advocates for me, protects me and my family, most of all he supports me,” said Tshaka.
“Young couples hoping to get married must know the background of their partners as it is important and it plays a crucial role in the relationship.
“Love your partner unconditionally and make communication your best policy and do not force marriage, it is spontaneous.”
Traditional leader and relationship expert chief Mbombi Mazinyo agreed.
“Young couples need to find a balance in their marriages, we understand that in today’s time both parties work and thus the woman cannot be expected to do all the duties her mother and grandmother use to do. But tradition is tradition and we cannot allow the Western ways to change that.
“Young brides need to continue to respect the institution of marriage and the value of lobolo, some of today’s brides even offer to pay part of their lobolo and that is not correct.
“Lobolo is a sign of respect, unity and pride if a bride pays part of the lobolo it means she does not fully believe in her partner,” Mazinyo said.
“For the woman to help pay part of the lobolo is emasculating to the man and also destroys the culture as well as your dignity as a woman.
“You need to allow the man his space to prove his ability to provide for you and the family as well, not marry yourself basically because that is what it will boil down to in the end,” he added.
Mazinyo is an African chief from the rural Transkei, and is regarded as an adviser and decision maker in his community.
“I have extensive knowledge of our culture and traditions and thus people trust my opinion and advise on matters relating to all things tradition,” said Mazinyo in an explanation of what qualifies him to be an expert.