Weekend Argus (Saturday Edition)

EFF government will be day unicorn farts a rainbow

- KEVIN RITCHIE Ritchie is a media consultant. He is a former journalist and newspaper editor.

IT WAS a weekend when South Africa’s four Super Rugby contenders rounded off their pre-season preparatio­ns with them all playing each other in super hero outfits in Cape Town.

Up north, the EFF launched its May 2019 manifesto in Soshanguve.

The Sharks were the Black Panthers, the Bulls Captain America, The Stormers Thor and the Lions were Spider-Man.

The EFF seemed to be a mash of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Captain America got Thor in more ways than one, while the Black Panthers were tangled in Spider-Man’s web.

Up in Gauteng, the gospel according to Julius was peace and light to all.

If the EFF becomes the next government we can look forwards to a South Africa free of xenophobia, and no more tenders for government business.

There will also be mandatory 20-year sentences for those convicted of corruption.

Half the land will be distribute­d to the youth and women, education will be free and you’ll be in class – whether you like it or not – until you emerge with an undergradu­ate degree – with lovely teeth from the free orthodonti­st.

Social grants will double and there’ll be free electricit­y for those that receive them. Hell, the EFF will even be nice to journalist­s.

Floyd Shivambu took time off from throttling journalist­s to call on South Africa to build its own car, saving the money used on importing cars – notwithsta­nding the EFF’s predilecti­on for imported people carriers and ignoring the fact that South Africa already makes cars, trucks, buses and even armoured cars for export.

Irony has never been a Marvel Superhero in this country – it’s certainly lost on the EFF.

It was the Teletubby-in-chief whose business relationsh­ips put Limpopo under national administra­tion, gifting us the phrase tenderpren­eurs.

It doesn’t really explain his own road to Damascus in a Soshanguve church the week before that compelled him to convenient­ly wash his former bete noir, Jacob Zuma, clean of all his sins.

Columnist Tom Eaton explained it in a single tweet: “If you don’t have the time to read the EFF’s manifesto, here’s a summary:” below was a meme of a unicorn farting a rainbow.

The EFF is right in one respect though, if it does become the government it will create a very egalitaria­n state; everything will be nationalis­ed and our disgracefu­l high Gini co-efficient will flatline because we’ll all become have-nots.

Like all good things, the fairy tale came crashing down with the EFF dog whistling over the brand-new National Director of Public Prosecutio­ns, Shamilla Batoyi. We all know why.

Maybe the thought of that much vaunted 20-year minimum sentence on a grim Monday morning was a bit too close to home.

The good news is that there are other ways of making a difference. An English zoo is letting people name cockroache­s after their exes for Valentine’s Day for the equivalent of R26.

Imagine if we could all do that here on Thursday, but for all our worst politician­s?

With the money we’d raise, we wouldn’t need to vote for the EFF to double social grants.

 ??  ??

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from South Africa