Shamanism, coma and joy

JOURNALIST Sarah Bullen and her film-maker husband Llewellyn seemed like a golden couple, with wildly successful careers.

Then Llewellyn realises that what he’d thought were entranced moments were in fact symptoms of a brain tumour. He pursues a shamanic path to fight the cancer and the couple are catapulted into a strange, magical world of ritual and ceremony.

Alongside hospitals, surgery and treatments comes another wilder journey of spiritual searching. Then Sarah too falls ill. While in a four-week coma, Sarah travels through near-death and into other realms and worlds.

She comes back with a message and a spark to follow which becomes a roadmap to allow her to write a new life story. From Hout Bay to the Mediterranean and back, Sarah’s story is sad, funny and magical, filled with laughter and tears. From African rituals to a Greek island of sex and celebration, Love and Above is filled with wild rapture and infinite possibility.

About the author

Sarah Bullen is an author, storyteller and writing coach with humour and heart. She is a former journalist and magazine editor. Her books include Hey Baby! The Hip New Mom's Guide That's All About You and Write your Book in 100 Days! Stop Mucking About & Just Write.

Love and Above. A journey into shamanism, coma and joy is published by

Tafelberg. It ret

Dream fever

SHE is walking towards me across the ward in the morning sun. I know this person.

This is my mom. I am okay. Someone knows me. Someone loves me. She smiles as if this is the most normal thing in the world.

“Good morning, darling. Look at you awake!”

“Mommy,” I rasp. “What happened? What happened to me? Why am I here?”

My mom is not talking. I don’t think she could have. She walks behind me, probably to cry, and strokes my head.

The sheer effort of sitting has wiped me out. I am wet with sweat. I am freezing cold. I am naked. I don’t even want to look down. I know I am not going to like what I see. I know there are a million tubes attached to me. I can feel a nappy on. I can feel a catheter pull as I move my legs.

“Mommy, what happened? Why am I here?”

“I just told you, darling,” she says. I frown. She did? When?

“Just keep repeating it.” The nurse is talking over my head. “It will take time for her to understand.”

Mom sits by my bed. She looks tired. So tired she is pale. She has more lines than I remember. She is stroking my head.

“The kids are fine, darling. They are home. Just focus on getting better.”

“I don’t understand. Why am I here? Did I have a car accident? Are the kids okay?” I am sure I have kids and so I glance over at the board filled with photos. Yes, there they are. I do. “Please take me home,” I whisper. “Shhhhh, darling,” she says. “Don’t talk.”

I grab her hand.

“Don’t you dare leave me here. They are pigs. All of them. I want to go home now.”

A cold wind is blowing through the place. It must be an underground shelter of some kind. I can hear someone moaning and screaming in the bed next to me. I can see an old man with tubes coming out of his nose. He looks dead. He is naked with only a thin sheet covering him. I realise that I am naked too. I am naked and chained to a f***ing bed. I have no idea who I am or why I am there.

Murray is next to me. I know him. He is my doctor. He is also my friend. “Why am I here?” I ask.

“You need to rest,” he says.

Liz is by my bed. She is crying. She is laughing.

“Oh Sarah,” she says. “We knew you would make it!”

I am confused. Make what?

What happened to me? Have I been sick? But I feel stupid asking again. I know I have asked before, but I just can’t understand it. Why am I in a hospital? With a tube in my chest?

“We are all just so happy to see you awake.”

She has a box of food that she shows me.

“It is all your favourite things. A cappuccino – decaf. A sandwich. Chocolate.”

I have a feeding tube down my nose. I look at the food and can’t understand what it is. I shake my head. I lean closer.

“They raped me last night,” I tell her.

She freezes.

“Who?” She looks confused. Her movements are slow. Like she is approaching a wild horse.

“The pigs,” I say.

“Pigs? What, in here?”

“The police. They raped me right here.”

She nods. Puts down the box of food.

“You are safe here, Sarah. Look around. This is an ICU ward.

“There are no pigs. Or police. Just doctors and nurses.”

My brain is processing this information. I see the branding – Netcare. I know the brand. She must be right.

A bit later I see her standing at the nurses’ station. She is talking to them and they are all looking at me. This confuses me. Why do they know my sister? Is she in cohorts with them? They are all plotting against me.

How long have I been here? Sunlight. It is day and I slowly wake up. Or did I ever sleep?

My mom didn’t come. The nurse was a liar. She lied. I am alone.

Liar liar liar liar liar b***h I will kill you with my f***ing teeth. You were not an angel you are the devil. Liar liar liar liar.

Did I have a car accident? What happened? Why am I here?

A nurse comes over.

“Good morning,” she says. Then she starts to take measurements.

She pricks my finger and tests my blood. My nose is dry and I can feel a tube inside it. My chest is rising and falling.

Cuffs. I am cuffed to the bed. I look at her. She shakes her head. “Don’t try any of your funny business with me.”