I LEFT IT TOO LATE TO MAKE AMENDS

I recently lost my mother from whom I was estranged for several years. My sister, with whom she was staying, only let me know she’d died once the burial was over. When I asked her why she hadn’t told me our mom had passed away, she said it had been at my mother’s request. She says my mom told her that since I didn’t visit her for the past 10 years she wouldn’t want to inconvenience me by expecting me to come to her funeral.

I don’t understand how she could think that. I always thought that somewhere along the way I’d go see my mom and apologise for staying away because as I grew older I realised I was at fault. But I was so busy with my business that I kept putting it off, telling myself that I’d make it up to her next year. Now she’s gone and I never had the chance. I feel so guilty about it. How can I find closure now? Maxine, email Try to find closure by seeing your mom’s request that your sister not inform you of her death before her burial as her attempt to teach you a lesson – the lesson that life is precious and there’s no better time than the present to do important things since opportunities can slip away.

Saying we don’t have time for things that are important is simply a bad excuse. We need to make time for the people who are precious to us. So learn the lesson your mother wanted to teach you.

Also realise that although you fell out with your mother she probably never stopped loving you. If you’re a mom you’ll understand that only too well.

It may help you to find closure to write a letter to your mom explaining how you feel and apologising for the things you feel you need to apologise for. Tell her how much she meant to you in spite of what happened between you. Put your feelings into words and imagine her reading the letter over your shoulder as you’re writing it. Once you’ve finished the letter, burn it – and as you watch it burn let go of your guilt and bad feelings. Your mom may no longer be able to talk to you, but feel at peace that you’ve said what you needed to say. Unfortunately there seem to be more and more young people today who feel they can take their time to get going in life and Any transition in life can be stressful, even if it’s one you look forward to making. Humans are creatures of habit – it’s something we find comfort in – and so change tends to unsettle us.

It’s normal that entering this new life stage has shaken things up a bit,