I’VE BEEN EMOTIONALLY ABUSED FOR YEARS

Q I’m deeply unhappy and don’t want to be married any more. A few years ago I discovered my husband was meeting women in sleazy bars. I don’t understand it as I look after him so well. We have a beautiful home and he gets the best food which I prepare myself. I look after my body, dress well and he gets all my love and attention. Yet he always flirts with other women in front of me.

He goes to strip clubs with his friends and when I looked at his phone once I saw a message to a woman about how he loves her and misses her and will see her soon. I called her in front of him and confronted her. She denied it and he took the phone and apologised to her for my behaviour. I lost my cool and his excuse was that he’s never gone to bed with any of these women.

We’ve been sleeping in separate bedrooms for a few years now and have not been intimate for 10 years. We just have dinner together and hardly talk.

I have an intense desire to be held by a man who loves and respects me. I’ve thought about leaving him, but he doesn’t want me to go of course as there would be no one to look after him. I’ve lost my love for him but I’m not young any more and am frightened to live on my own, even though I won’t battle financially. Anonymous

A You can’t go on like this – your marriage is a farce and holds no value for either of you at the moment. The fact that you haven’t been intimate for 10 years and have separate bedrooms paints a bleak picture.

Your husband likes to have his own way and has belittled you. Why put up with this? It clearly doesn’t matter to him that you cook nice meals for him. Why be afraid of being alone? Nobody is as alone as someone in an unhappy marriage. If you know you don’t love your husband any longer then there’s no point in even going for marital counselling.

You said it – you don’t want to be married any more. So be brave and sue for divorce. Get a good divorce lawyer and leave it up to them to settle your estate. You might not be young any more, but life still has a lot to offer. You can make new friends and even meet a new partner. Having not had a good experience of marriage, you might find you’re not eager to tie the knot again and would rather have a “friend with benefits” and cherish your independence. Whatever you do, take things one step at a time as you get yourself out of this emotional mess.