LAUGH A LITTLE
IT WAS NEVER GOING TO BE EASY
A woman calls her local hardware shop.
“Hi,” she says. “I bought a Roundup Multipurpose Sprayer from you yesterday, but it’s defective.”
“Ma’am,” the assistant says, “we’ll need the exact name of the item. Do you have the box?”
“No, but it’s the Roundup Multipurpose Sprayer.”
“Ma’am, we’ll need the box so we can have the exact name of the product.”
“Hold on, I’ll run out to my garage to get the box. [Long pause.] Okay, I have it. It says . . . Roundup Multipurpose Sprayer.”
“Thank you for that information, ma’am.”
TIME OF THE SEASONING
An office worker is getting lunch at the company’s staff canteen.
“May I have pepper and salt?” she asks the counter assistant. He looks confused.
“The pepper and salt please?” the staff member repeats. The assistant fetches a green pepper.
“No!” the staff member says, “not that pepper; the pepper and salt! You know, you shake it on?” The assistant looks even more confused.
“Dude!” another assistant shouts at him, “she means the salt and pepper!”
“Oh!” the guy says to the staff member, “why didn’t you just say that?”
ANY COLOUR AS LONG . . .
A client walks into a print shop with a black-and-white flyer.
“Can you make colour copies of this?” he asks the assistant.
“Do you have the original?” the assistant says.
“No, just this one.”
“Sorry, I can’t make colour copies unless I have the original colour version.”
The client looks confused. “Why can’t you just run this one through your colour copier?”
IN BLACK AND WHITE
A policeman spots a pedestrian trying to cross a busy road and walks over to him.
“Excuse me, sir,” he says, “but why are you trying to cross here when there’s a zebra crossing only 20m away?”
“Well,” the guy replies, “I hope the zebra’s having better luck than me.”
EXTRA VISION
A manager is interviewing people for a post at his company. Among other things he asks each applicant what sort of supervision they’d be comfortable with.
One replies, “I’ve always thought Superman’s x-ray vision would be cool.”
JUST TO BE SURE
A woman walks into a photocopy shop, hands the assistant her driver’s licence, birth certificate and passport and asks him to make copies of all the documents.
“Certainly,” the assistant says. “That will come to R75.”
“Can I pay with a personal cheque?” the woman asks.
“Sure,” the assistant replies. “But I’d need to see some ID.”
SPEL CHEKERS
Real posts on Facebook:
I can’t stand people that don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so dumb. Comment: Their, their, calm down. Is it me or does nobody have manors these days? I don’t have patients for stupidity today.
GOOD FOR SOME
A customer walks into a gardening shop and takes a bottle of insecticide from the shelf.
“Is this good for ants?” he asks the assistant.
“No!” the assistant says, “it will kill them!”
NO, SWEET
A customer at a coffee shop orders iced tea.
“Sweetened or unsweetened?” the waiter asks.
Customer: “What’s the difference?”
HARD TO SWALLOW
Three prisoners in a maximum-security prison break out of their cells and start a riot. After the situation is brought under control the chief warden asks the three why they’d revolted.
“Warden,” one of the men says, “we rebelled because the food here’s awful.”
“I see,” the warden says. “But what did you use to break the bars of your cells?”
“The French toast.”
WHERE THERE’S A WILL . . .
A guy goes to see a lawyer.
“I’d like to draw up a will,” he says, “but I have no idea how to go about it.”
“Not a problem,” the lawyer replies, “leave it all to me.”
His client looks uncomfortable. “Well,” he says, “I knew you were going to take a big portion, but would it be possible to leave a little to my family too?”