Ask Dr Louise

My husband was caught sexually abusing our neighbour’s six-year-old son. I’m completely shocked and would never have believed it if he hadn’t actually been caught doing it. We have two grown-up sons and I can’t help wondering now if he also sexually abused them?

He refuses to speak to me about this and simply says I should divorce him as he’s a good-for-nothing. When I’ve asked him about molesting our sons he says I shouldn’t be crazy – but is it really all that far-fetched for me to consider it? How could I have been so blind all these years? Confused, email Unfortunately paedophiles often look like harmless, charming people. They often act that way to enhance the opinion other adults have about them and wear a mask of congeniality and kindness as that’s what attracts children to adults. So it’s often difficult to spot them.

Some paedophiles manage not to abuse their own children, so it’s possible your husband didn’t. Only your sons will be able to tell you if they were sexually abused by their father. But they may have repressed the memory. Also, it’s possible they’ll never tell you about it because they know how much it would hurt you and that it might cause you to feel severely guilty. It might be a good idea for you all to see a family therapist together.

What you need to decide now is if you want to leave your husband or if you’re willing to try to support him in getting therapy. In therapy, the prognosis for what is called regressed paedophiles (those who sexually interact with their own age group and with children) is better than that of fixated paedophiles (those who’ve never had sexual interaction with their own age group).

You might want to consult with a psychologist to help you process all of this and you can then also ask about what kind of ongoing treatment people like your husband might receive. Paedophilia is a mental disorder and those who have it don’t give up their pathological behaviour without treatment.