LAUGH A LITTLE
Fancy yourself a joker? Email original jokes to chuckles@you.co.za or send them to Chuckles, YOU, PO Box 7167, Roggebaai 8012, and we may publish them on this page.
BUT FOR THE GRACE . . .
A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is. A boy puts up his hand. “It’s ‘G’, Miss,” he says. “And why is that, Angus?”
THE CRYING GAME
“The onion is the only food that can make you cry,” a guy tells his friend. “I disagree,” his buddy says. “Prove it.” So his buddy drops a coconut on his head.
SO SIMPLE
How do you turn white chocolate into dark chocolate? Turn off the light.
NO LAUGHING MATTER
Why can’t you tell an egg a joke? Because it might crack up.
IN PLAIN SIGHT
Why can’t leopards play hide and seek? Because they’re always spotted.
IT’S IN THE DETAIL
Two friends are visiting a museum of natural history. While marvelling at a full-size replica of a dinosaur the one guy says to his mate, “This dinosaur is 100 million years and 10 months old.”
“Where did you get such exact information from?” his friend wants to know.
“Well, I was here 10 months ago and the guide told me the dinosaur was 100 million years old.”
DADDY DEAREST
A woman is going into labour so her husband rushes her to hospital. As she’s being prepared for the birth a doctor tells the couple he’s invented a machine that lessen women’s birth pains by splitting it between the mother and father.
The couple agree to try it and are led into a room where they’re hooked up to the contraption. The doctor starts off with a 20% split towards the father.
“Oh, that actually feels better,” the wife says. The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns the machine up to 50%. The wife reports that she doesn’t hurt nearly as much, but the husband says he still can’t feel anything.
Encouraged, the doctor turns the machine up to 100%. The wife smiles and says she now can’t feel any pain, while the husband says he still can’t feel a thing.
The baby is born and later that day the woman is discharged from hospital. When they get home they find the postman on their doorstep, groaning in pain.
THE ACCOUNTANTS . . .
Two accountants are in queue at a bank during their lunch break when a gang of armed robbers burst in. While some of the thugs demand money from the tellers others line up the customers, including the accountants, against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, phones and other valuables.
While this is going on the one accountant jams something into the other one’s pocket. “What’s that?” the second accountant asks. “It’s that R200 I owe you.”
An accountant reads the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl is fascinated by the fairytale, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.
Afterwards he asks her what she thought of the story.
“It’s beautiful, Daddy,” she says. “But tell me, when a pumpkin turns into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or long-term capital gain?”
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor,” he says, “I just can’t get to sleep at night.”
“Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor says.
“That’s the problem,” the accountant says. “I count the sheep but then I get sleepy and make a mistake. Then I spend three hours trying to find it.”
A woman is feeling poorly and goes to see her doctor. He gives her a thorough examination then sits her down and clears his throat.
“I have some grave news for you,” he says. “You have only six months to live.”
The woman is shocked. “Oh doctor, what should I do?” she asks. “Marry an accountant,” the doctor says. “Will that make me live longer?” “No, but it will seem much longer.”
IT’S A MIRACLE!
One evening a woman finds her husband standing over their baby’s cot. As she silently watches him looking down at the sleeping infant, she sees on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment and scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it arouses, with eyes glistening she slips her arm around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she says. “It’s amazing!” he says. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a cot like that for only R500!”