LAUGH A LITTLE
Fancy yourself a joker? Email original jokes to chuckles@you.co.za or send them to Chuckles, YOU, PO Box 7167, Roggebaai 8012, and we may publish them on this page.
TOTHE POINT
Interviewer: “So tell me, what do you consider your greatest weakness?” Job applicant: “Honesty.” Interviewer: “Really? I don’t believe that’s a weakness at all.” Job applicant: “Well, I don’t give a rat’s fart about your stupid opinion.”
NO RUSH
Restaurant manager: “We’re known for our snails.” Customer: “I can see why – one of them’s just been serving me.”
TAKINGTHE GAP
My wife left me this morning. At first I felt sad and lonely. I didn’t know what to do with myself.
But then I went out and bought a motorbike, threw a wild, loud party and got to meet some other women.
I think my wife may not be so pleased when she comes back from work this evening.
CLOSE SHAVE
Woman: “So, how many times a day do you shave?” Man: “Well, about 15-20 times every day.” Woman: “Good grief, are you some kind of crazy?” Man: “No, I’m a barber.”
SPEED COUNTS
“I’m a master of fast calculations,” a guy brags. “Ask me anything.”
“Okay,” his friend says, “what’s 758 times 642 divided by 5?” “22!” “Ha ha, that’s completely wrong!” “Maybe, but it was fast!”
LITTLE BITOF FUN
A photon is checking in for a flight at an airport.
“Do you have any luggage?” the check-in clerk asks.
“No,” the photon replies. “I’m travelling light.”
SAYS WHO?
“In English, a double negative forms a positive,” a linguistics professor tells his class, “but in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
“However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room pipes up, “Yeah, right.”
EXACTLY
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A fish.
NOBODYWHO?
Patient: “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.” Doctor: “Next, please.”
GENDER BENDER
“Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans,” a woman on a bus says to the person seated next to her. “I can’t even tell if it’s a boy or a girl.”
“It’s a girl,” the person replies. “She’s my daughter.”
“Oh I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know you were her father.”
“I’m not. I’m her mother.”
THE BAD NEWS
“So, did you enjoy your first day at school?” a mother asks her six-year-old daughter.
“First day?” her little girl replies, looking horrified. “Do you mean I have to go back again tomorrow?”
THE PROBLEM
Principal: “I’ve had complaints from all of your teachers about you, Johnny. What have you been doing?” Little Johnny: “Nothing, sir.” Principal: “Exactly!”
MUCHTHE SAME
Teacher: “What’s the past participle of the verb ‘to ring?’ ” Little Johnny: “What do you think, sir?” Teacher: “I don’t think, I know.” Little Johnny: “Well, I don’t think I know either, sir.”
FLUENTDOG
Two mice are being chased by a cat. Eventually the cat has them trapped in a corner.
Suddenly one of the mice turns around and goes, “Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!” The surprised cat runs away in fear. “Wow,” the other mouse says. “That was brilliant!”
“Well,” the first mouse says modestly, “it pays to be bilingual.”
NEEDS WORK
A guy takes his girlfriend out dancing.
“You’d be a good dancer except for two things,” she says to him afterwards. “And what are those two things?” “Your feet.”
THE MEALTHING
What are two things people never eat before breakfast?
Lunch and supper.