LAUGH A LITTLE
CATTY!
What do tigers have that no other animals have?
Baby tigers.
GO, DAD!
Teacher: “Johnny, did your father help you with your homework?” Little Johnny: “No sir, he did it all by himself.”
ON SCHEDULE
A woman is complaining to the station manager about the trains not being on time.
“What’s the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late?” she says.
“Well,” the manager replies, “if we didn’t have a schedule, how would we know they’re running late?”
BY THE LETTER
What starts with E, ends with E and has only one letter?
An envelope.
OBVIOUSLY
If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
Wet.
NO RETURN
What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A stick.
IN BLACK AND WHITE
What’s white when it’s dirty and black when it’s clean?
A blackboard.
COINING IT
“Guess how many coins I have in my pocket,” a guy says to his friend.
“If I guess right, will you give me one of them?” his friend says.
“Well, if you guess right I’ll give you both of them.”
THE SHORT OF IT
A teenage girl hangs up after talking on the phone for about half an hour.
“Wow!” her father says. “That was short! You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”
“Wrong number,” his daughter replies.
THE CLEAR WINNER
Two boys are arguing in the classroom when the teacher walks in.
“Why are you arguing?” the teacher demands.
“Sir, we found a R100 note and decided to give it to whoever can tell the biggest lie,” one boy replies.
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” the teacher says. “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
So the boy gives the money to the teacher.
ON A ROLL
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
NO WELL FINE
A cop pulls a driver over and inspects his car.
“Your brake lights don’t work, your tyres are worn smooth and your front bumper is hanging loose,” he tells the driver.
“This whole deal is going to cost you at least R500.”
“All right, go ahead,” the driver says. “They quoted me twice as much at the garage.”
GOING NOWHERE SLOWLY
Why do the French like to eat snails so much? Because they can’t stand fast food.
EAR OF THE BEHOLDER
Husband: “The weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?” Wife: “Hahaha, I love the way you say, ‘Shall we go out for a piece of cake’!”
HARD NEWS
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper.
She told me that newspapers were old school and that people these days used tablets. Then she handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.
THE RUB
I’ve been really depressed lately. A friend told me to go to a petting zoo to see if it would cheer me up.
I went today, but not one person would stroke me.
OUTNUMBERED
A recent scientific study found that out of 2 293 618 367 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.
IT ISN’T FAIR
I’ve always thought my neighbours were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
NOT WELL
Wife: “I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go.” Husband: “Just call in sick, then.” MANY THINGS.ORG, SHORT-FUNNY.COM, MARK HARRISON