Baby heartache of Survivor’s Toni
Ousted Survivor Toni opens up about her struggle to have children and why winning was so important to her
ONE million rand – that’s the glittering prize most contestants enter the show for. It’s a sizeable chunk of cash that can significantly change your life. But for Antoinette “Toni” Tebbutt, winning wouldn’t have meant going on exotic holidays or buying a kickass car. The money would’ve gone a long way towards fulfilling her deepest longing – to have a child.
Becoming a mom would complete the M-words that play such an important part in her life, the 38-year-old content producer says. Meat, music and her husband, Michael – those were the Ms she missed most while on Survivor South Africa: Philippines.
And while she has those three back now, the “mom” remains agonisingly out of reach. It was hard not to fantasise about winning the million as she survived tribal council after tribal council. But it was not to be and Antoinette went home empty-handed.
“I entered Survivor because I’d been watching it for 18 years,” Toni says. She’s chatting to us from her home in Bloubosrand, northwestern Johannesburg, soon after being voted off the show.
“I always wanted to be on it but the reason I wanted to win was because in June last year I found out my tubes were completely destroyed.”
Her eyes well up as she speaks of how she and Michael (41), an IT manager, had been trying to have a baby for the past two years. They eventually went to see a doctor last year and Toni discovered she had severe endometriosis as well as nonfunctioning fallopian tubes.
Adoption has always been something Toni has wanted to do but Michael also wanted to try for a baby of their own. So they decided to go the IVF (in-vitro fertilisation) route – which is pricey.
The fertility treatment costs between R52 000 and R63 000 for a single try and it isn’t covered by medical aid. There are also no guarantees it will work.
“When I entered Survivor I started thinking if I won this million, we could really set ourselves up,” she says.
“We could pay off our debt and do the IVF.”
For now it remains an elusive dream but when it comes to the show, Toni has no regrets. “I got to go on Survivor,” she says. “And I freakin’ loved it.”
TONI has swopped the bright pink knee-length socks and minimalist tropical wear viewers came to know so well for an all-black outfit with bright pink sneakers. But signs of the island are here. Behind her, hanging on a pair of antelope horns mounted on the wall, is one blue Mindanao and one red Luzon tribal buff.
“I have my pink one from the Araw tribe lying around somewhere,” she says.
Toni went through tough days on Survivor, from going five straight days without food to feeling paranoid and neglected by her tribe members after the merge. But through all of this she kept fighting because she was determined to get her hands on that R1 million.
“I actually think it was one of my down-
falls,” she admits. “I was too emotionally invested in that prize.”
Still, with hindsight she has no regrets about the way she played the game. She just wishes she’d been a little more savvy about who to trust, especially after being blindsided by Werner Joubert, the pastor and biokineticist from Secunda.
Toni says she had a gut feeling she was being frozen out by the other contestants and it turned out she was right.
“My paranoia was completely founded. When you’re sitting alone on an island and there are six people over there sitting around, having a good time and not really engaging with you, you’re going to get a little paranoid and you’re going to get a little low.”
While she thinks Werner is playing the game of making everyone his “No 1” on the show, she’s thankful for the real friends she gained on the island, especially Durban doctor Tevin Naidu and Johannesburg mining technician Pheko “PK” Phetoe.
In fact, the three became so close they made a pact to get matching Mindanao tattoos. Toni already has hers inked on her right arm and is hoping that by the time the reunion show rolls around, the boys will have had theirs done too.
“It’s going to sound weird but I think tattoos cemented our bond. All of us have them – and quite out-there ones at that – and that got me interested because I wanted to know what their tattoos meant. I think it was the same with them.
“PK is 10 years younger than me and Tevin is nearly 14 years younger but they’re friends for life,” she says.
After Tevin was voted off and only Toni and PK remained of their three-person alliance, things became tough for her. Despite her allegiance to PK, there was a lot of pressure from other players for her to vote him out and the thought of abandoning the only person she was close to left Toni feeling outcast and lonely.
“Werner was always telling me, ‘Stop being friends with PK. It’s making the alliance nervous.’ So I actually pulled away from PK, who was my only friend.
“My loneliness was my biggest downfall because when I got there [to the merge], Werner continuously promised we’d stick together until the end.”
IT WAS during these times, when she felt completely downcast and isolated, that she’d ask herself, “What would Michael do?” She’d remind herself what she was fighting for and that he’d want her “to keep on keeping on”. Back home, Michael was lonely too, badly missing his wife.
But even though she’s happy to be back with him, Toni says a part of her feels as if she’s disappointed him.
“The day I heard the news about my infertility was very emotional.
“Michael had always said his biggest dream was to have a child of his own, after which we could adopt. So in my head I was like, ‘I’ve let my man down’,” she says.
“Now I feel like, because I didn’t win, I’m even more of a disappointment to him. I was doing this so I could try to give us children and then I’m sent home. The disappointment you feel . . .”
The couple had a whirlwind romance. They shared their first kiss on a tipsy night out at Billy the Bums, a bar in Fourways, Johannesburg. They bought their first home after three months of dating and got married just more than a year later.
Now three years into their marriage, there’s no one else Toni would want on her journey through life, with all its ups and downs.
“If he was sitting here right now, he’d be saying, ‘No, you’re not a disappointment.’ He’s the most amazing guy and he’ll make the most amazing father.”
Last year, Toni surprised Michael with a trip to Thailand for his 40th birthday and there they discussed the possibility of IVF.
But they’re taking a break to find their feet before considering their options when it comes to starting a family.
“We’ve decided not to pursue it right now. Financially it isn’t responsible because, well, kids are expensive and we don’t want to deprive our child or ourselves of anything,” she says.
“So we’re focusing on us and our life and enjoying each other. In a year’s time – when we’ve made our own million – we’ll look at adopting.”
‘Michael had always said his biggest dream was to have a child of his own’
S Survivor SA: Philippines airs on Thursdays at 7pm on M-Net (DStv channel 101).