LAUGH A LITTLE

Fancy yourself a joker? Email original jokes to chuckles@you.co.za or send them to Chuckles, YOU, PO Box 7167, Roggebaai, 8012, and we may publish them on this page.

TRUTH BE TOLD

Wife: Will you love me when I’m old and ugly? Husband: Darling, of course I do.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. Then it was too late. A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory. Men don’t get lost; they discover alternative destinations.

A woman’s work that’s never done is the stuff she asks her husband to do.

If a man’s in the forest talking to himself, with no woman around, is he still wrong?

IN DEMAND

“There are three other companies after me,” an employee tells his boss. “You’re going to have to give me a raise.”

“Is that so?” the boss says. “What other companies are after you?”

“The electricity company, the phone company and the credit card company.”

SELF-HELP

Leaving a plush nightclub one evening a tightfisted guy walks past the doorman without tipping him.

Nevertheless the doorman helps him into a taxi with a flourish.

As the taxi pulls away he calls out, “By the way, in case you lose your wallet on the way home, just remember you didn’t pull it out here.”

ON THE BALL

“I’m a member of the school’s soccer team,” a seven-year-old tells his visiting uncle.

“That’s great,” his uncle says. “What position do you play?”

“I’m not sure,” the boy says, “but the teacher says I’m the team’s main drawback.”

WEATHERING THE STORM

A TV weatherman has an unlucky streak giving incorrect forecasts. The local newspaper starts keeping a record of his predictions and a year later reports that he’d been wrong almost 300 times in 12 months.

The poor weather guy becomes something of a local joke and the TV station is forced to fire him. So the guy moves to another country where he applies for a job as a TV weatherman.

“Why did you leave your previous job?” the interviewer asks.

“Well,” the weatherman says, “the climate didn’t agree with me.”

YOU MIGHT BE A TEACHER IF . . .

You find it difficult to name your own child because there’s no name you can come up with that doesn’t raise your blood pressure every time it’s uttered.

Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers the question: “Why’s this kid like this?”

You encourage an obnoxious parent to consider home-schooling and are willing to donate the packing boxes should they decide to move out of town. You know how many days, minutes and seconds are left in the school year.

RIGHT ON TRACK

A young man is interviewed for a job with the railways.

“Do you know how to use the equipment?” the interviewer asks. “Yes,” the applicant replies. “So what would you do if you realised that two trains, one leaving this station and one coming from the next, were going to crash because they were on the same track?” “I’d press the button to change the points.” “What if the button was stuck?” “I’d run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually.” “And if the lever was broken?” “I’d get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points.”

“And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?”

The guy thinks about that one for a bit then says, “I’d run into town and get my uncle.”

“Is your uncle an electrician?” the interviewer asks.

“No, but he’s never seen a train crash.”