Dealing with a partner’s difficult mother
When your partner’s mom makes it clear she doesn’t like you very much, it can make life really unpleasant. Here’s how to handle this tricky situation with sensitivity
YOU get on like a house on fire with his sister and his dad is like a second father to you, but his mother – well, that’s another story altogether. No matter how hard you try, you never seem to be able to please her.
“I feel as if she thinks I’m not good enough for her son,” says Dani* (28). “He and I have been together for more than a year and she still makes me feel uncomfortable whenever we visit. She focuses entirely on him and doesn’t engage me in conversation much.
“She never asks me how I am or how things are going at work,” Dani adds. “And there’s often a raised eyebrow or a bit of side-eye directed at what I’m wearing.”
For others, like 40-year-old Tanya*, it goes a lot deeper than just a clash of personalities or a mother’s resentment for the woman in her son’s life. The stayat-home mom says her relationship with her husband’s mother has deteriorated to the point where she’s decided to cut all ties with her.
She and Greg* tied the knot five years ago, and since then things have become “uglier and uglier”. When the conflict between Tanya and her mother-in-law started affecting her two kids – her mom-in-law once “forgot” to pick up her four-year-old daughter from school – Tanya felt it was time to draw a line.
“I refuse to be bullied by her,” a frustrated Tanya says. “And my husband supports my decision, which she’s not happy about.”
Fortunately the situation hasn’t caused tension in her marriage. In fact, Greg was the one who suggested they distance themselves from his mother after she called him a number of times simply to speak badly of Tanya.
Not getting on with your partner’s mother doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doomed. But it can cause a lot of tension or even tear your relationship apart if not handled correctly. Here’s advice on what you can do to handle this tricky situation and bridge the divide.
‘I feel as if she thinks I’m not good enough for her son’
ACKNOWLEDGE THE MOMMA BEAR
There’s just no getting around it – our mothers are pivotal figures in our lives, whether we’re close to them or not. So acknowledge her place in your partner’s life. It might be a difficult situation for you, but it’s just as awkward for your partner to feel as if they’re caught between two people who mean a lot to them.
She’s a big part of your partner’s life and
always will be, and you have to respect the fact that they have a unique connection – even if you think their relationship is in some ways unhealthy, controlling or possibly even destructive.
“You may think he’s a momma’s boy – and he may well be – but if you love your partner then don’t compete with or make an enemy of momma bear,” says relationship coach Paula Quinsee.
“Handle the situation in a mature, calm manner and help your partner put healthy boundaries in place.”
SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES
For this to happen, you and your partner need to be able to talk about the issue openly and honestly. “If you’re both clear about your relationship goals and what makes you happy, then establishing boundaries around your relationship will be relatively simple,” says clinical psychologist Ingrid Nagaya.
“Setting boundaries should never be a one-sided thing.”
Decide together what your non-negotiables are: for example, that it’s unacceptable for your partner’s mother to be just plain rude to you or to criticise you either directly to your partner or within earshot of your partner. Being critical of you within earshot of your children should also be a no-no. Agree on how to tackle this if it happens – for example, will they talk to her or will you?
LEARN TO LET IT GO
Some things are inevitable and you’ll save yourself a lot of annoyance and irritation if you simply accept them. “There are things that just aren’t worth getting upset over,” Quinsee says.
Your partner’s mother is likely to do one or more of the following at some point: comment on your cooking, make remarks about the state of your house or give you “that look” when your own child is misbehaving. Many of these things are inevitable. Just be the bigger person and let it go.
MANAGE YOUR EXPOSURE
Maintain your sanity by spending only as much time with your partner’s mother as you think you can handle. Consider what your tipping point is – if you can manage no more than three hours in her company then schedule something later on so you have a way out.
MAKE SURE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER ARE ON THE SAME PAGE
“It’s important that you and your partner have a united front,” Quinsee says. “It should be clear the two of you respect each other, support and trust each other and have each other’s backs. If you and your partner have a good foundation, there’s less chance that outside influences can create a wedge between you.”
The way you and your partner behave with each other should make it clear you’ll do what’s best for the two of you without seeking validation or approval from her – but also without being disrespectful.
FIND COMMON GROUND
One way to try to forge a relationship with her is to find things you have in common. Whether it’s cooking, movies, books, gardening or crosswords, latch on to it and use it to build your relationship. It might even provide opportunities to do something together, and these shared experiences will help spark conversation and create shared memories.
*Not their real names