LAUGH A LITTLE
Fancy yourself a joker? Email original jokes to chuckles@you.co.za or send them to Chuckles, YOU, PO Box 7167, Roggebaai 8012, and we may publish them on this page.
RECREATIONAL HAZARD
A bar owner locks up his place at 2am and goes home to sleep. He’s been in bed only a few minutes when his phone rings.
“What time do you open up in the morning?” an obviously drunk man enquires.
The owner is furious. He slams down the receiver and goes back to bed. A few minutes later the phone rings again. The same voice is on the other end of the line asking the same question.
“Listen,” the bar owner shouts, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in!”
“I don’t want to get in,” the caller says timidly. “I want to get out.”
LET’S GET REAL
It’s graduation day and a mother’s trying to take a picture of her son in his cap and gown, posing with his father.
“Let’s try to make this look natural,” she says. “Junior, put your arm around your dad’s shoulder.”
The father says, “If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand on my wallet?”
DOOR DILEMMA
A woman is relaxing at home one Sunday afternoon when there’s a knock on her door. She opens it to find two young evangelists.
“Good afternoon ma’am,” one of them says, handing her a pamphlet. “We wondered if you’d be interested in attending one of our meetings.”
The woman, upset that her peaceful afternoon’s been disturbed, tells them in no uncertain terms that she’s not interested, hands back the pamphlet and before either of them can say anything slams the door in their faces.
To her surprise however the door doesn’t close but bounces open wider than before. She tries again, really putting her back into it, but it bounces back.
Convinced that one of the evangelists is sticking their foot in her doorway she rears back to give it a slam that’ll teach them a lesson. Just then one of them says quietly, “Ma’am, before you do that again, you really need to move your cat.”
HARD LESSON
A lecturer is giving a class of medical students a lesson in observation.
He takes out a jar of yellow-coloured liquid and says, “This is urine. To be a doctor you have to be observant of colour, smell, sight and taste.”
He dips a finger into the jar and puts it in his mouth. His class watches in amazed disgust.
The lecturer then passes the jar around and requests each student to do the same. Reluctantly, one by one they dip a finger into the jar then put it into their mouth.
After all students had done this the lecturer shakes his head.
“If any of you’d been observant at all,” he says, “you would’ve noticed I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.”
IN DAD’S SHOES
A man tells a circus ringmaster he’s interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer.
The ringmaster asks him if he has any experience.
“Why, yes,” the man says. “My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world and he taught me everything he knew.”
“Really? Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?” “Yes, he did.” “And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?” “Yes, he did.” “And have you ever stuck your head in a lion’s mouth?” “Just once.” “Why only once?” “I was looking for my father.”
HOW NOT TO WRITE IT
Include your children when baking cookies. Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted. Drunk gets nine months in violin case. Miners refuse to work after death. Juvenile court to try shooting defendant. Two ships collide, one dies. Red tape holds up new bridge. Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft.
Kids make nutritious snacks.
Man minus ear waives hearing.
OWN GOAL
A rather dim fan arrives at a soccer match midway through the second half.
“What’s the score?” he asks a fellow spectator as he settles into his seat. “Nil-nil,” comes the reply. “And what was the score at half-time?”
SIZE MATTERS
A rural rugby field is next to a chicken farm. During a match one Saturday afternoon the ball is kicked clear out of the ground and lands in the farmyard in the middle of a brood of chickens and a rooster.
The rooster looks at the ball thoughtfully for a few moments then says quietly, “Ladies, I don’t want to criticise you but I’d like you to take a look at the kind of work that’s being turned out on neighbouring farms.”
WHERE THERE’S SMOKE
A Sunday school teacher likes to use common household items to help her illustrate her lessons.
One Sunday morning she produces a smoke detector and asks the children if any of them know what it means when the device’s alarm sounds. Little Johnny puts up his hand. “It means Daddy’s cooking dinner,” he says.
JUST FOLLOWING THE RULES
“I almost drowned when I fell in the dam yesterday,” a guy tells his mate. “But can’t you swim?” his friends asks. “Of course I can, but the sign said ‘Swimming strictly prohibited’.”