LAUGH A LITTLE

Fancy yourself a joker? Email original jokes to chuckles@you.co.za or send them to Chuckles, YOU, PO Box 7167, Roggebaai 8012, and we may publish them on this page.

SHORT CUTS S

My car is so fast the payments are three months behind.

My wife enjoys sport and anything else that calls for an argument.

You know you’re getting old when the neighbourhood Peeping Tom leaves a note saying, “Please draw the curtains.”

TOUGH TO BEAT

Grandpa: How far do you walk to school? Grandson: About a kilometre. Grandpa: When I was your age I walked 8km to school every day. What are your marks like? Grandson: I get mostly Bs. Grandpa: When I was your age I got all As. Have you ever been in a fight? Grandson: Only twice and the other boys beat me up. Grandpa: When I was your age I was in a fight every day and I never lost. How old are you? Grandson: Nine years old. Grandpa: When I was your age I was 11.

FOR KIDS’ SAKE

An elderly couple appear before a judge in the divorce court. He asks them why they want to end their marriage after nearly 70 years.

“Well,” the husband says, “we wanted to wait until after the kids had died.”

ARKEOLOGY S

What was Noah’s job? He was an arkitect. How did the animals see their way into the ark? By floodlighting. Why were the elephants last to board the ark?

They took a long time to pack their trunks.

Was Noah first to come out of the ark?

No, he came forth out of the ark.

WEIGHTY MATTER

A man takes his dog to the vet.

“Doc,” he says, “Rover here is cross- eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well, let’s have a look,” the vet says. He picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? For being crosseyed?” the dog owner exclaims, horrified.

“No, because Rover’s really heavy.”

HARE-RAISING JOKES S

What do you get if you throw hot water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies. What do rabbits do after they get married? They go on bunnymoon.

HORSING AROUND

A horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits at one of the tables and starts reading his newspaper. The barman is a bit surprised but pours the beer and takes it over to the horse, who hands him a R50 note.

The beer costs R20 but the barman figures the horse isn’t that bright, so he gives him only R5 change. The horse doesn’t say a word.

Eventually he finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another.

“You know, we don’t get many horses in here,” the barman says.

“Well,” the horse says, “at R45 a beer I’m not surprised.”

UNACCOUNTED FOR

A businessman tells his friend his company is looking for an accountant.

“But I thought your company hired a new accountant a few weeks ago,” his friend says.

“Well, that’s the accountant we’re looking for.”

SHOT IN THE DARK

A teacher asks her Grade 2 class to construct a sentence using the words defeat, detail and defence.

After a pause little Johnny raises his hand.

“I’ve got one, Miss,” he says. “The cow jumped over defence and detail went over defeat.”