LAUGH A LITTLE
WHAT’S BUGGING HAROLD?
Every evening on his way home from work Harold buys a sixpack of beer to drink while he watches TV. One night as he finishes his last beer the doorbell rings. He stumbles to the door and finds a 2m-tall cockroach on his doorstep. The bug grabs him by the collar, throws him across the room and leaves.
The next night the doorbell rings just after Harold has finished his third beer.
He opens the door to find the same cockroach outside. The big bug punches him in the stomach and leaves.
The next day Harold has had just one beer when the doorbell rings. Again the cockroach is at his door. This time it knees him in the groin then hits him behind the ear.
On the fourth night Harold decides not to drink at all but the doorbell still rings. It’s the monster cockroach again. The bug beats Harold black and blue and leaves him in a heap on the living room floor.
The next day Harold goes to see his doctor and explains the events of the four previous evenings . “What can I do?” he pleads. “Not much,” the doctor says. “It’s just a nasty bug going round.”
PUTDOWNS
Your birthday’s coming up. I know what I’d like to get you as a present, but how do you gift-wrap a life?
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
If you were twice as smart, you’d still be half as clever.
Someday you’ll find yourself – and wish you hadn’t.
If you ever have a bright idea it would be beginner’s luck.
TELLTALE
“Grandad, do you know how to make like a frog?” “I don’t think so, Steven. Why?” “Because Dad says he’ll be rich when you croak.”
KEEPING IT COOL
A woman goes to see a psychiatrist. “I want to ask you about my husband,” she says. “He thinks he’s a refrigerator.”
“Well, that’s nothing to worry about,” the psychiatrist says. “I’d say that’s quite a harmless obsession.”
“Yes,” the woman says, “but the thing is, he sleeps with his mouth open and the little light keeps me awake at night.”
SUNDAY SCHOOL EXAM FAILS
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 amendments.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
CLOSE SHAVE
A man and a little boy enter a barbershop together. After the man’s received the full treatment – shave, shampoo, manicure and haircut – he places the boy in the chair.
“I’m going to buy a tie to wear to a wedding,” he says. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
After the boy’s hair has been cut and the man still hasn’t returned the barber says, “Looks as if your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”
“That wasn’t my daddy,” the boy says. “He just walked up to me, took me by the hand and said, ‘Come on, son, we’re going to get a free haircut!’ ”
FITTING CANDIDATE
A psychology professor is giving her students a lecture on various mental health problems.
“Making the right diagnosis is important,” she says. “For instance, how would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear raises his hand and says, “A soccer coach?”
FOR KIDS
Did you hear about the farmer who ploughed his field with a steamroller? He wanted to grow mashed potatoes.
What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer? You take me for grunted. How did the soccer field end up as a triangle? Somebody took a corner. Did you hear about the cannibal lion? He had to swallow his pride. Why did the basketball court get wet? The players dribbled all over it.
REFLECTIONS
A conservative woman visits a museum of modern art. After inspecting an object on a wall she turns to a museum assistant and says, “This, I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?”
“No, madam,” the assistant replies. “We call that a mirror.”
GRAVE BUSINESS
A coffin-maker is on his way to deliver a coffin when his car breaks down. Not wanting to miss his appointment, he hoists the coffin onto his head and continues his journey on foot. Two policemen spot him and wonder what he’s up to.
“Hey!” one calls out. “What are you carrying and where are you going?”
Without stopping the coffin-maker shouts, “I don’t like where I was buried, so I’m relocating.”
NO HIGH WATER
A girl comes home from a date looking sad. “Charles proposed to me a few minutes ago,” she tells her mom. “Then why are you so sad?” “Because he also mentioned he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t believe in hell!”
“Marry him anyway,” her mom says. “Between us we’ll show him how wrong he is.”