LAUGH A LITTLE
GOONY BIRD
After many years of marriage a husband has become a couch potato, completely inattentive to his wife, and sits guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife is dismayed because no matter what she does to attract his attention, he just shrugs her off with some bored comment.
Then one day at a pet store, the wife sees a big, ugly, snorting bird with a huge chest, powerful legs and claws and beady eyes.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, tells her it’s an imported “Goony bird” and it has a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he shouts, “Goony bird! The table!”
Immediately the Goony bird flies off its perch and with single-minded fury attacks the table and smashes it to pieces with its powerful claws! To demonstrate again, the shopkeeper says, “Goony bird! The shelf!”
Again the Goony bird turns to the shelf and demolishes it in seconds.
“Wow!” the wife says. “If this doesn’t attract my husband’s attention, nothing will!” So she buys the bird and takes it home.
When she enters the house, the husband is, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching a game. “Honey!” she calls, “I’ve got a surprise for you – a Goony bird!”
The husband, in his usual bored tone, calls back, “Goony bird, my foot!”
Q&A
Why do parents give children a middle name?
So the kids know when they’re in serious in trouble.
What would you get if you crossed a cheetah with a beef burger? Really fast food. What do people in prison use to communicate with one another? Cell phones. What happened to the man who lost his left arm, left leg and eye in an accident? It was touch and go but he’s all right now. Why do “no frills” airlines never show movies on their flights?
They don’t need to. You keep seeing your life flashing before your eyes.
Why did the room packed with married people seem empty?
Because there wasn’t a single person there.
DOCTOR, DOCTOR
A man wakes up in a hospital after a serious accident. “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” he shouts,
The doctor replies, “There’s nothing wrong with your legs, sir. We’ve had to amputate your arms.”
OFFICE POSTERS S
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
If you think we’re a bad company, you should see our rivals!
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity . . . probably has a scapegoat. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here! Two days without a human rights violation! If at first you don’t succeed, try working in management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. Never quit until you have another job. Work harder, slaves! The beatings will continue until morale improves. If you can read this, you’re not working! Hang in there, retirement is only 30 years away!
Pride, commitment, teamwork – words we use to get you to work for free. Succeed in spite of management. Work – it isn’t just for sleeping anymore. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don’t work here anymore.
AND ON THAT NOTE . . .
How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
He can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in.
How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him. What did the guitar say to the guitarist? Pick on someone your own size! What happens if you sing country music backwards?
You get your job back, you get your wife back and you even get your dawg back.