HE PRETENDS TO BE A LOVING HUSBAND

Q My husband and I have been married for 10 years and I’ve hated him for the past five. The first half of our marriage was wonderful but then on my 35th birthday he told me I was getting old and he needed a young woman to stimulate and arouse him.

He then had an affair with his 25-year-old secretary and after a few weeks told me how much better he felt because he was sleeping with a younger woman.

Over the past five years he’s changed mistresses many times, with each one getting younger as I grow older.

He refuses to have sex with me and says he still cares for me but he loves me more like a favourite sister. He takes pleasure in telling me exactly how he made love to his present mistress.

I feel as if he’s abusing me. It’s torture to be forced to listen to the details of his sordid affairs. In front of other people he pretends to be a loving husband when in fact he’s a cheating, lying bully. He’s so convincing my family think he’s just too wonderful for words.

What should I do? Margot, email

A It sounds as if your husband is not only a bully but a vindictive person who cares only about his own needs. He doesn’t seem to have any idea what love really is. Even if he loved you like a sister, he shouldn’t be so cruel and expect you to listen to his sexual exploits with other women.

There’s a clinical term for the problem your husband has – it’s referred to as Ponce de Lyon syndrome and is when someone has what’s called a “psychological age arrest”. In your husband’s case, he wants to remain young and the young women he has affairs with are a way for him to create the illusion for himself that he’s still a young man. He needs psychotherapeutic intervention. Tell him you’re not willing to remain married to him while he has relationships with other women as he pleases, and that if he doesn’t seek professional help you’ll divorce him. You deserve to be with someone who loves you and treats you with respect.