LAUGH A LITTLE
AUTOMATIC RESPONSES
These are some fun “out of office” automatic email replies:
I’m currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
You’re receiving this automatic notification because I’m out of the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
I’ll be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from leave. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order in which it was received.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged accordingly.
Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
I’ve run away to join a different circus.
PREMONITION
Two drunks are sitting elbow to elbow at a bar.
“I wish I knew where I was going to die,” Paul says. “Why?” Tom asks. “Because if I knew I wouldn’t go there”, Paul replies.
PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE
Hello. Welcome to the psychiatric hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsions, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you have paranoid delusions, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you’re schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you’re depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you’re anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you’re phobic, don’t press anything.
GARDENING TIPS
A young woman moves into her new house and wants to clean up the garden as summer is approaching. She’s hopeless when it comes to gardening and can’t even tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion. But when she calls her mother for help she finds someone who’s worse at gardening than she is.
Young woman: “Hi, Ma, it’s time to work in my garden but I have no clue which plants to keep and which ones to remove. What shall I do?”
Mother: “Here’s a tip that has helped me to tell the difference between weeds and plants. Pull them all up. If it comes back, it’s a weed.”
FUNNY THOUGHTS S
Women shouldn’t have children after 35. Really, 35 children are enough.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I married my wife for her looks . . . but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
No one ever says, “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: “Checkout time is 18”!
WORK VERSUS PRISON
When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn’t so bad.
In prison You spend most of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. In prison You get three meals a day. At work You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison You get time off for good behaviour.
At work You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
In prison A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work You must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison You can watch TV and play games. At work You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison They allow your family and friends to visit.
At work You can’t even speak to your family and friends.
In prison All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
At work You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
In prison There are wardens who are often sadistic. At work They are called supervisors. In prison You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
At work You get fired if you get caught.