LOCKDOWN LEFT ME DISGUSTED WITH HIM

About three years ago I noticed that my husband and I were just living for the kids and there wasn’t much left of our relationship as a couple. But during lockdown I’ve realised he actually disgusts me now.

When he goes to work, he’s neat, clean and smells good. But at home he doesn’t shave or put on decent clothes and even refuses to bath regularly. It’s just too much for me being stuck with a smelly, revolting individual for weeks on end.

I’ve spoken to him many times about his hygiene but he simply says he feels relaxed like this at home and we’ll just have to grin and bear it. There are no words for just how revolting it is to get into bed with him every night. It makes me angry that he’s let himself go and expects us to just accept him like that.

Yet he expects me to keep my weight in check, be well dressed – even at home – and smell nice. My thinking is, “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” But how can I go to an attorney and tell him I want to divorce my husband because I find his appearance revolting? That would be extremely embarrassing. Maryn, email

Unfortunately there are people who have two sets of norms – one for themselves and one for other people. Your husband seems to be one of these people.

He’d probably also be revolted if he had to get into bed with a smelly, filthy person every night – but as it doesn’t happen to him, he’s perfectly happy. His behaviour of course also implies that he doesn’t care about your feelings enough to make an effort to try to please you.

You don’t have to feel embarrassed to discuss this with an attorney. Any experienced divorce attorney would have heard all sorts of things about clients’ marriages and possibly even similar stories. It’s your husband’s behaviour you’re talking about, not yours, so why should you be embarrassed? The attorney will know how to phrase it in a legal document in a way that doesn’t necessarily spell out the filthy truth but still says what you want to say to make your case.