LAUGH A LITTLE
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ON THE NEWS
TV newsreader: Hundreds are feared missing or dead following landslides and floods caused by torrential rains. Couch potato: Serves them right. Why do they want to go around following landslides and floods anyway?
PERSPECTIVE
Foreman: “How is it that that little guy always carries two planks to your one?” Labourer: “Because he’s too lazy to go back for the other one.”
INSULT BY AIRMAIL
The young wife greets her husband tearfully on his return from the day’s work.
“Oh, Shaun, darling,” she gasps, “I’ve been so insulted!”
“Insulted?” Shaun exclaims wrathfully. “Insulted by whom?”
“By your mother!” the wife declares, and sobs aloud.
The husband is aghast, but also inclined to be sceptical.
“By my mother, Patricia? Why, dearest, that’s nonsense. She’s hundreds of kilometres away.”
“But she did,” the wife insists. “A letter came to you this morning, and it was addressed in your mother’s writing so, of course, I opened it.”
“Oh, yes, of course,” Shaun agrees, without any enthusiasm.
“And it’s written to you the whole way through, every word of it, except . . .” “Except what?” “Except the postscript,” Patricia flares. “That is the insult to me.”
The tears flow again. “It says, ‘PS: Dear Patricia, don’t fail to give this letter to Shaun. I would like him to read it too.’”
INITIATIVE
A sweet little girl has a violent tussle with her sister.
Her mother reprimands her and concludes by saying, “It must have been Satan who suggested pulling Susan’s hair to you.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” little Lisa replies. “But,”she adds proudly, “kicking her in the shins was my own idea!”
STICKY SITUATION
Rather than drag his tired three-year-old daughter around the shopping mall, a kindly father gives her a ride on his shoulders.
After a few minutes she starts tugging at his hair. “Stop that, honey,” he says. “It hurts.”
“But, Daddy,” she replies, “I’m only trying to get my gum back.”
JOIN THE CLUB
The man sitting in the bus addresses the woman standing before him: “You must excuse my not giving you my seat. I’m a member of the Sit Still Club.”
“Certainly, sir,” the woman replies. “And please excuse my staring. I belong to the Stand and Stare Club.”
She proves it so well that the man at last sheepishly gets to his feet.
“I guess, ma’am,” he mumbles, “I’ll resign from my club and join yours.”
DOCTOR’S ROOM
S Doctor: Nurse, how’s that little boy doing, the one who swallowed the R5 coin? Nurse: No change yet. S A patient walks into a doctor’s office. Patient: Doctor, people ignore me. Doctor: Next! S Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory? Patient: What pills?
HAPPY MEAL
Question: What two things can never be eaten for breakfast? Answer: Lunch and supper.
REAL ATTRACTION
A couple are having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband explodes, “If it weren’t for my money, the house wouldn’t be here!”
The wife replies, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, I wouldn’t be here.”
LUCKY ESCAPE
A driver is speeding along a twisty farm road when he turns a corner and, to his horror, sees two farmhands standing chatting in the middle of the road.
He swerves violently to avoid them but the car runs up an embankment, does a triple somersault and lands in a nearby field.
One farmhand turns to the other and says, “That’s a stroke of luck. I reckon we got out of that field just in time.”
NOT SO CLEVER
A mysterious building has been erected on the outskirts of a small town. It is shrouded in mystery. All that is known about it is that it is a chemical laboratory.
An old farmer drives past the place after work has started, and seeing a man in the doorway, calls to him, “What will you be doing in this place?”
“We are searching for a universal solvent – something that will dissolve all things,” says the chemist. “If we want a solution of iron, glass, gold . . . anything, all we have to do is drop it in this solution!”
“OK,” says the farmer, “but what are you going to keep it in?”
UNITED FRONT
A family of skunks are trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves who are edging closer. The mother skunk calmly instructs her young, “Quickly, children, let’s put our heads together!”
After they obey, forming a circle, she continues, “Now . . . let us spray!” S