HE’S ANOTHER PERSON WHEN HE DRINKS

Q Both my husband’s and my salaries were affected by the pandemic and it’s left us stressed. When my husband is stressed, he drinks and occasionally too much. Then he berates me.

I still have some work and when he insults me I can’t get my projects done, which I’m doing to generate income for us. I get so anxious that I’m unable to concentrate on my work, and then I get so angry with him that I don’t talk to him for days. How do I deal with this? Marinda, email

A You two are taking your stress out on each other instead of trying to work together. You need to get out of this pattern as it creates a dysfunctional relationship. The pandemic has been especially stressful for those who’ve lost work, not only because of the resulting financial problems but also because it’s been coupled with lockdown and the feeling of being constrained that goes with it.

Avoid getting drawn into discussions when your husband wants to engage with you in a dysfunctional manner. Tell him you’re not willing to interact in such a negative way and leave the room. Take time to cool down, then go back to your work. Don’t waste time replaying what happened or thinking about what you should and shouldn’t have said.

When your husband is sober, tell him you want to talk about how you interact because you want to be supportive and would like him to do the same for you. Ask him how you can help him deal with stress and tell him how he can assist you. Explain that you need to be calm to be productive.