LAUGH A LITTLE
Fancy yourself a joker? Email original jokes to chuckles@you.co.za or send them to Chuckles, YOU, PO Box 7167, Roggebaai 8012, and we may publish them on this page.
ALL THE SAME
Little Johnny is eager to help when his parents entertain several dinner guests.
When the dinner is nearly over, Little Johnny goes to the kitchen and starts serving the dessert. He proudly carries in a piece of milk tart, giving it to his father, who passes it to a guest.
Little Johnny comes in with the second piece of tart and gives it to his father, who again gives it to a guest. This is too much for Little Johnny, who says, “It’s no use, Dad, the pieces are all the same size.”
WASTE NOT
An engineer who’s busy with railroad construction in Central America explains to one of the locals the advantages that would come with completion of the projected line.
To illustrate his point, he puts the question, “How long does it take you to carry your produce to market by mule?”
“Three days, señor,” the local man answers.
“Then,” says the engineer, “you can understand the benefit the railway will be to you. You’ll be able to take your produce to market and return home on the same day.”
“Very good, señor,” the local agrees courteously.
“But, señor, what shall we do with the other two days?”
WHO’S THE BOSS?
A man raising funds for the Red Cross goes to the house of a wellto-do young couple for a donation.
Hearing a commotion inside, he knocks very loudly on the door. A somewhat dishevelled man invites him in.
“What can I do for you?” he growls.
“I’d like to speak to the master of the house,” the fundraiser says politely.
“Then you’re just in time,” the young man barks. “My wife and I are settling that very question right now.”
PROBLEM SOLVERS
There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road. The trio look at one another, wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that perhaps the petrol is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion: “Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and perhaps then it will work?”
ACCOUNTABILITY
A man realises he’s an alcoholic. At his family’s urging he goes to a psychiatrist.
After a lengthy consultation, the doctor sternly orders that every time the patient gets drunk he is to report his transgression the very next day. A few days later the patient slowly staggers into the psychiatrist’s office.
“I wanna report that I washhh drunk last night,” he mumbles.
“For heaven’s sake, man, you’re drunk right now!” the doctor cries.
“Yeah, I know,” says the patient, “but I’m gonna report this tomorrow . . .”
IMMORTAL ONE-LINERS S
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
FOR THE KIDS S
Question: There’s a coal stove, a wood stove and a brick stove. You have only one match. What would you light first? Answer: The match, of course.
Question: How do you make seven even? Answer: Take away the “s”.
Question: A rooster lays an egg at the very top of a slanted roof. Which side is the egg going to roll off? Answer: Neither. Roosters don’t lay eggs.
Question: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? Answer: In case he got a hole in one.
Question: Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music? Answer: Because she broke the record. Question: Where do polar bears vote? Answer: The north poll.
WORK IT OUT
A patient is wheeled into the emergency room and the nurse on duty asks, “On a scale of zero to 10, with zero representing no pain and 10 representing excruciating pain, what would you say your pain level is now?”
The patient shakes her head in despair. “Oh, sister, I don’t know. I’ve never been good with maths.”
IN THE FOREST
It’s a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family are just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It’s empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It’s also empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars.
Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, “For goodness sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven’t made the porridge yet!”
FITNESS TIP
The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realise you’re not in shape, it’s too far to walk back.
CLEVER GIRL
A guy sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, “Where have you been all my life?”
“Well,” she says, “for the first half of it, I wasn’t even born.”
WAY TO GO
I don’t want to die doing something I love. I want to die doing something I hate. That way I don’t have to finish it.
THE QUIZ
A man is married to a blonde, and each night he comes home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife gets mad and decides to show him she isn’t dumb. She spends the next day learning all her provinces and capitals.
That night when he gets home he tells his joke. She says, “I’m not so dumb. I know all of the provinces and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me.”
He thinks for a moment and asks, “What is the capital of Mpumalanga?”
She quickly replies, “M!”
CANNIBAL JOKES S
Why don’t cannibals eat weathermen? Because they give them wind!
What is a cannibal’s favourite food? Baked beings.
How did the cannibal turn over a new leaf? He became vegetarian.
Why did the cannibal live by himself? He was fed up with other people.
What happens if you upset a cannibal? You get into hot water.
DEDICATION
After a church service, Max says to the priest, “You know, Father, I’m really stuck with a problem. I’d like to attend church next week but I just can’t miss the big game next Sunday, it’s out of the question. I’ve been following my team all season and I have to watch the game”
“Oh, Max, Max,” says the priest putting his arm around him, “don’t you know? That’s what recorders are for.” Max’s face lights up. “You mean I can record your sermon?”